Abstinence: (Pt 1) – A dirty word?

December 7, 2011 in Abstinence,Bible,Character of Jesus,Christian,Christian lifestyle,Christian values,Christianity,Discipleship,Identity,Intentional living,Jesus,Marriage,Testimony,Theology with 36 Comments

Sex. So often it’s a taboo subject for Christians. I know I’ve never really written on the subject before. As a 30-something single Christian, who has been a Christian and believed in abstinence before marriage my entire life, I don’t exactly have practical experience.

However, recently I read a Gallup survey, done for the prominent Christian magazine ‘Relevant’. It’s results showed 80 per cent – yes, you read it right – of unmarried Christians in the US between the ages of 19-29 are having sex. That despite over 70 per cent saying they thought sex before marriage was wrong.

I have to confess, reading that stat did sadden me. I’ve been a Christian pretty much my entire life and I’ve never seen stats which showed such a large proportion of Christians having pre-marital sex. The statistic alone, for me, demanded a response and a re-examination of the topic.

We do live in a sex-obsessed culture.

The amount of free pornography now available online is staggering, and the stats show that teenage boys and girls alike are looking at it at a younger and younger age. I have more Christian friends who’ve struggled with that kind of addiction than probably even I know, and even I have struggled with it at times – it’s one of the biggest struggles a single person has to face, both men and women.

Magazines like Nuts and Zoo – which are on the lower racks in the UK but given their content should be on the top rack pretty much (if anywhere) – sell bucket-loads every week and one of the defining statistics for anybody in secular culture seems to be how many people you’ve slept with.

Temptation is all around us all the time, and if you’re single, in my experience there’s constant pressure from church and culture to be married. It seems that the stats show that more and more unmarried Christians – both single and in relationships – simply can’t wait.

You see, people often link abstinence and singleness, as if it’s one subject.

They aren’t, they are separate – though they are linked.

Abstinence is something that applies to people in relationships too, if they are unmarried. People confuse ‘unmarried’ with single – and there’s a big distinction. When I say single, I mean not in a relationship, as well as not married. If you’re in a relationship, for the sake of this discussion, you’re not single.

So why are so many unmarried Christians – both single and in relationships – choosing to have sex pre-marriage?

There’s a few arguments here – some actually believe the Bible doesn’t actually say we don’t have to, others think the teachings of scripture merely a cultural thing, and others simply find it too difficult to resist temptation – and it’s no surprise, given the sex-obsessed culture we live in.

I myself chose the pre-marital abstinence path a long time ago, and it’s one of my ‘non-negotiables’ when considering a relationship. For me, not only does God need to be at the heart of any relationship, but I won’t be sexually active with anyone I’m not married to, in any way.

Oh and just to be clear, by ‘sexually active’, I mean essentially engage in sexual intercourse or a sex act of any kind involving those parts of the body.

So why have I chosen abstinence pre-marriage? Well, call me boring, but I think it’s pretty clear in the Bible the rules God sets out for this, and it’s in the Genesis story and spoken by Jesus, so it’s pretty clear. You’re free to disagree, but I think scripture sets it out very clearly:

“A man will leave his father and mother and be united to His wife, and they will become one flesh” - (Genesis 2 v24, Mark 10 v7-8).

Jesus in fact goes on, and says something I feel is very important:

“So they are no longer two, but one” (Mark 10 v9)

Oneness. This is a key here.

When a man and a woman have sexual intercourse, Jesus is saying, there is something spiritual that goes on, a connection is made between them. I may not have experience of this, but in the experience of having friends who have had extra-marital sex, there tends to be some kind of bond that is established between a couple – even if they only have sex once. This is what Jesus was talking about.

When two people have intercourse, something spiritual happens between them, a bond is created that goes beyond the normal, physical or even emotional. Something supernatural is birthed between them – and Jesus explains this as becoming ‘one’.

The model of course is of Christ and the church – which are separate but one. There are many similarities between the marriage relationship and the one between Christ and the church – they are even compared Biblically.

To Jesus, sex is about oneness, and you find that oneness only within the context of a marriage relationship.

Jesus makes clear – as does the Genesis story – that the sex act is to come after marriage, not before. Not because God wants to stop us enjoying ourselves (and I am reliably informed by close friends who are married that sex can be fun) or set rules to stop us doing what we want to do.

Jesus wants us to save sex for marriage, because that’s what it was designed for and because that context is going to be the best, most enjoyable, intimate, safe, trusted place for it.

In fact, Jesus is so strong on this subject that he advocates that even looking at a person of the opposite sex in a lustful way is adultery of the heart.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt 5 v 27-28)

Jesus Himself makes clear adultery, lust, sex, is something that goes on in the heart, not just physically, and sets high standards for it – standards, again, not to limit us or stop us having fun – but again, so that we’ll have the best.

What a feeling it would be to go to your wedding night knowing that you have saved yourself completely for the person you trust, love, respect and care for more than anyone else, your best friend, and will be able to give them a gift that no one else will be allowed to share in.

C. S. Lewis, the famous theologian and author, married very late in life, but the love he had for his wife Joy Gresham was something deeply felt, something way beyond the physical. So when they married, the sex mattered less than the deeply felt love between them. We see this in the story of this part of his life, dramatised in the film ‘Shadowlands’.

Indeed, given how seriously ill his wife was (she was suffering from and eventually died from cancer), it’s questionable whether they even had sex when they were married – but it didn’t matter.

The love, the oneness between them was more powerful than any physical connection. Whether or not they had sex wasn’t even an issue – they were one and they loved each other. If you haven’t seen this film, do watch it. I find it the most truthful film about what true love between a man and a woman is, than any other.

No cheesy romance, no happy ending, no fiction. It’s a true story of real love, and shows the sacrifice, the responsibility, and the pain of love, as well as the joy.

It proved to me how oneness is more than just to do with sex, and that sex isn’t a substitute for love. Although I have no experience of sex, I am convinced something that intimate is unquestionably better when you have that oneness, that intimacy, love and friendship between two people, and it’s a precious gift which should only be shared with one person in the context set apart for it, which is marriage.

For me, that concept makes alone makes the value of keeping sex for marriage one worth keeping. Knowing the woman I marry will be the only one I share the gift of my sexuality with, and that we will be truly one – on a level that’s far deeper than anything physical.

That actually excites me, and makes me more thankful to God for this special gift He’s given us.

One that’s worth keeping for someone special.

In part 2 of this series next week, I’ll be looking at how we can over-romanticise the idea of our future husband or wife being perfect or the other’s saviour, and the issue of how people compare sexual partners. Join me again then!

Now, time for you to join the discussion!

What’s your view of Jesus value of keeping sex for marriage?

What’s your view – or experience – of the value of oneness? Do you like the idea of keeping yourself sexually for one person?

Have you struggled in this area, with a sexual addiction of some kind or with temptation within a relationship? How have you dealt with those temptations and issues?

About James Prescott: James Prescott is a writer & creative exploring digital media & divine journey of life. He blogs regularly on this site & is a regular guest blogger BigBible.org.uk and other sites.

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  • Anonymous

    When I was about 15/16 my male friend bought a copy of Nuts/Zoo into school – I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t have had it in school and I’m pretty sure that his parents wouldn’t have approved. (Incidentally his parents were part of the youth work team at our church.) I snatched the magazine out of his hand (probably not my best move lol) rolled it up so that it was some watch or aftershave ad on the outside and I threw it in the nearest bin (probably shouting something along the lines of how sexist and chauvinistic - I think I was still on a girl power kick not realising that I could be a Christian and still wear my Feminist hat (thank you Vicky B for clarifying that one!). I can’t remember if he got it back out of the bin or not but I pretty sure it went back in a second time if he did get out of the bin. 

    Around this time I had a friend (in fact I still have this friend), when ever having a boyfriend came up in conversation she’d ask me “Why do you want a boyfriend?” thing was at the time I thought she was wrong, I was right. Well looking back I know that actually she was right and had it been for following her advice (which was based in biblical knowledge/teaching) rather than what I thought to be right – I’d have probably not got into so much trouble when I was a teenager lol.

    I’m 25 now. I got married two weeks after my 21st birthday – I also lost my virginity around that time (so 21 and 2 weeks). I’d handed in my dissertation about 2 days before my birthday (I know nothing quite like doing a bunch of life changes all in one hit!) I can name two occasions when I nearly lost it before then and I’m kinda really not proud of those moments – especially being 25 and looking back to when I was 17/18 etc.

    I remember standing in a dance class at uni – I think it was the end of the class and we were stood around chatting about something random and one girl says “I’ve not had sex in like 3 weeks!!” Then the other girls compare how long it’s been so to see the reaction I turn round and say “Well you know I’ve not had it in about 19-20 years and I’m not missing it”. It’s definitely one way to create silence that’s for sure. I think there were occasions when I wasn’t proud for waiting and just wanted to lose it so I could say I’d done it but then other occasions when I am seriously pleased that I waited (And think I “out waited” all but two of my school friends).A friend of mine at church is in his late 30s and he’s single. I think there are occasions that he does feel lonely and like it would be nice to have a wife or a family but at the same time he likes his space and so he likes to be able to shut away the world and watch a movie without distractions. (Our pastor is convinced that he’s got to pray for a wife for our friend which is kind of funny but at the same time I ask is it the right thing to be praying for.) 

    At our youth group (At my old church) we had “The Annual Relationships Talk”. It was a yearly even and you knew when it was coming. Well one particular occasion I had forgotten when it was – I’d somehow convinced my non-christian boyfriend to come to the christian youth group – the night he agreed was the relationships talk night – oh dear what a fail. Well to a certain degree I think it was because I was embarrassed but at least he got to see which angle I was trying to approach our relationship at. 

    An example we had at our youth group was to get two different coloured pieces of paper (Say blue and pink for the sake of argument) and glue them together. You then try pull the pages apart – you end up with pink bits stuck on the blue page and the other way round. That’s what it’s like when you have sex outside of marriage – you leave bits behind whether it’s emotional or physical (like an STD if you’re not careful! Then again I guess a baby would be a physical consequence as well!) In the grand scheme of things I’m glad I waited but I really wish that I’d had the will power and the sense to listen to my friend before I messed up along the way. Thankfully we live under grace not law. We screw up but we can be forgiven. 

    http://goodwomenproject.com/ – from a girl’s perspective it’s a good site to read. They did a whole serious on posts about girls and pornography. It’s automatically presumed that boys have the problem that girls don’t have problems with porn and other activities that to a degree aren’t “healthy”. But don’t fear there are girls out there who will openly talk about because it’s something that they have struggled with. When I was going out with my husband he bought me a book called “Every Young Women’s Battle” by Shannon Ethridge – it was a little embarrassing opening it in front of my parents but on the flip side it was informative and helpful to my 19/20 year old self.

  • Anonymous

    When I was about 15/16 my male friend bought a copy of Nuts/Zoo into school – I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t have had it in school and I’m pretty sure that his parents wouldn’t have approved. (Incidentally his parents were part of the youth work team at our church.) I snatched the magazine out of his hand (probably not my best move lol) rolled it up so that it was some watch or aftershave ad on the outside and I threw it in the nearest bin (probably shouting something along the lines of how sexist and chauvinistic - I think I was still on a girl power kick not realising that I could be a Christian and still wear my Feminist hat (thank you Vicky B for clarifying that one!). I can’t remember if he got it back out of the bin or not but I pretty sure it went back in a second time if he did get out of the bin. 

    Around this time I had a friend (in fact I still have this friend), when ever having a boyfriend came up in conversation she’d ask me “Why do you want a boyfriend?” thing was at the time I thought she was wrong, I was right. Well looking back I know that actually she was right and had it been for following her advice (which was based in biblical knowledge/teaching) rather than what I thought to be right – I’d have probably not got into so much trouble when I was a teenager lol.

    I’m 25 now. I got married two weeks after my 21st birthday – I also lost my virginity around that time (so 21 and 2 weeks). I’d handed in my dissertation about 2 days before my birthday (I know nothing quite like doing a bunch of life changes all in one hit!) I can name two occasions when I nearly lost it before then and I’m kinda really not proud of those moments – especially being 25 and looking back to when I was 17/18 etc.

    I remember standing in a dance class at uni – I think it was the end of the class and we were stood around chatting about something random and one girl says “I’ve not had sex in like 3 weeks!!” Then the other girls compare how long it’s been so to see the reaction I turn round and say “Well you know I’ve not had it in about 19-20 years and I’m not missing it”. It’s definitely one way to create silence that’s for sure. I think there were occasions when I wasn’t proud for waiting and just wanted to lose it so I could say I’d done it but then other occasions when I am seriously pleased that I waited (And think I “out waited” all but two of my school friends).A friend of mine at church is in his late 30s and he’s single. I think there are occasions that he does feel lonely and like it would be nice to have a wife or a family but at the same time he likes his space and so he likes to be able to shut away the world and watch a movie without distractions. (Our pastor is convinced that he’s got to pray for a wife for our friend which is kind of funny but at the same time I ask is it the right thing to be praying for.) 

    At our youth group (At my old church) we had “The Annual Relationships Talk”. It was a yearly even and you knew when it was coming. Well one particular occasion I had forgotten when it was – I’d somehow convinced my non-christian boyfriend to come to the christian youth group – the night he agreed was the relationships talk night – oh dear what a fail. Well to a certain degree I think it was because I was embarrassed but at least he got to see which angle I was trying to approach our relationship at. 

    An example we had at our youth group was to get two different coloured pieces of paper (Say blue and pink for the sake of argument) and glue them together. You then try pull the pages apart – you end up with pink bits stuck on the blue page and the other way round. That’s what it’s like when you have sex outside of marriage – you leave bits behind whether it’s emotional or physical (like an STD if you’re not careful! Then again I guess a baby would be a physical consequence as well!) In the grand scheme of things I’m glad I waited but I really wish that I’d had the will power and the sense to listen to my friend before I messed up along the way. Thankfully we live under grace not law. We screw up but we can be forgiven. 

    http://goodwomenproject.com/ – from a girl’s perspective it’s a good site to read. They did a whole serious on posts about girls and pornography. It’s automatically presumed that boys have the problem that girls don’t have problems with porn and other activities that to a degree aren’t “healthy”. But don’t fear there are girls out there who will openly talk about because it’s something that they have struggled with. When I was going out with my husband he bought me a book called “Every Young Women’s Battle” by Shannon Ethridge – it was a little embarrassing opening it in front of my parents but on the flip side it was informative and helpful to my 19/20 year old self.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for sharing this Hannah – and for being so honest about your story as well. Totally agree, we do live under grace – more about that in my next post this coming weekend – and that’s all part of the journey. Thanks again for sharing a bit of yours, great comment. 

      • Anonymous

        You’re welcome James :) Have tweeted about it too now :) (and Fb’d) 

        • Anonymous

          Thanks! :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/hazel.fairy Hazel Fairy

    So my story is a little different; I’m 25 unmarried and I have a child – at her thanksgiving our minister maintained that childrenb are a blessing regardless of the circumstance of their arrival and the ‘make up’ of their family.  She was planned, but the relationship was not good in a whole variety of ways.

    At the time I was working hard at being far away from God – I don’t quite know how I returned and I certainly stumbled along the way (& I still do) but it was almost as if I’d never been away.  I like to view it as if the Father treated me a bit like a stroppy violent teenager – listening to me scream and rave, swear and kick… but never leaving the place where I was.

    Abstinence isn’t a dirty word but maybe a tricky one…

    1) Teaching SOLELY abstinence I think is irresponsible; and if we take it further afield in cases of strategic rape as an instrument of war advice and access to contraception, offering people the chance to maintain some control over their own bodies is vital.  Even in our own country of the UK I do believe that it is better to be informed…. HOWEVER; it does concern me that there seems to be far more emphasis on the mechanics rather than the relationship part of ‘sex & relationships education’ and I would like to see that changed… but I think by going totally ‘for’ abstinence only were in danger of missing an opportunity for dialogue in this mattter.

    2) Abstinence and guilt; feeling guilty is just not what Jesus came to make us feel – he came so that we could have life & life to the full (John 10.10) he came to seek the lost, not to condemn (Luke 19.10).  God does not have a hierarchy, and only he can select the sheep from the goats (Matthew 25) which I considered in Church recently.  Sometimes a focus on abstinence and the examples of failure are used by people as a ‘worse’ sin than their own… I believe in a Gospel and creator of love.

    “Singleness isn’t second best – Biblically, actually it’s the preferred option.”

    Now I agree it is not 2nd best, however I disagree with your assertion that it is the preferred option.  Jesus spoke of the importance of friendship and close relationship with others.  He met in the homes of those he knew to ‘hang out’ just as he spoke in the temples.  I believe that God made men and women to be together, to ‘be fruitful’, to look after the earth wisely, to spread the gospel… it’s not about sex, it’s about companionship.  I think In 1 Corinthians 7.7 Paul speaks of marrigae and singleness both as gifts from the Lord “One has this gift, the other that”  he doesn’t seem to prioritise – and it may be a little far-out but do remember that Paul was highly trained in the art of rhetoric and public speaking so it is sometimes useful to bear that in mind whilst studying the letters.

    Thank you for an interesting and challenging blog. 

    • Anonymous

      And the Mini Fairy is most definitely “a blessing”!! She is a fab little fairy! Love her to bits! (Love you to Hazel!!) (btw James Hazel’s little one is my Godddaughter) 

      • Anonymous

        Thanks again for your comments Hannah! :-)

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for sharing Hazel & thanks for the encouragement – keep your eyes peeled for part 2 next week! J.

  • http://www.god-loves-women.webs.com/ God Loves Women

    Hi James,

    Thank you for this really great blog! So this is my story:

    I believed in not having sex before marriage, at college told all my friends I was a virgin and in two relationships managed to keep things entirely appropriate.  Then I met another guy and within two weeks he had manipulated and controlled me into having sex.  At the time I believed I’d had sex before marriage and felt so guilty, my solution to that guilt was that I must now marry this guy in order to make “okay before God”.  I did not have sex before marriage, I was sexually abused, and I’d had no teaching as a young Christian about understanding how choice/consent worked.  This man abused me from the day I met him for four years, and I felt like I couldn’t get out because now I’d married him, well I couldn’t divorce him, that’s not “Christian”!  I did eventually escape and became very happily single for a while!  Miraculously I did get married again, purely because God told me to, I wasn’t particularly bothered about doing it, but it has definitely been the best thing God wanted for me.

    My now husband was 35 when we got married and he had been single for 13 years, so he had done the single thing quite a while (he loved being single and believed he would stay single and never have kids…how wrong he was :D ).  We didn’t have sex before marriage, but found we had quite a lot of issues to deal with after we got married because of the abstinence thing.  Often when someone  is abstaining from sex, they turn off all sexual thoughts, then when they attempt to switch it back on, it’s really difficult.  But we got through it and have a great relationship.

    I think providing simple answers to the very complex thing that is sexuality is very difficult.   Especially when we live in a world where sex is all around us, constantly pushing for us to engage with it, not just in pornography, but adverts, music videos, films, songs etc.  Whereas there was a time when people had to deliberately choose to view sexually explicit stuff, it’s now shoved in our face all the time.

    The best book on sex I have found is Rob Bell’s Sex God which I think really powerfully recognises that sexuality is so much more than the physical act, sexuality and spiritually are so linked and we need to seek to understand sex in those terms if we are to truly understand abstinence.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for sharing your story and being willing to be so honest, really great. I agree, the Rob Bell book is excellent on this subject. Thanks for sharing again. J.

    • http://ontoberlin.blogspot.com Hannah M

      Thank you for being so honest about this. I can really relate to the problem of abstinence meaning you ‘turn off’ all sexual thoughts and it being difficult to reclaim them as a good thing within marriage. That is something which really does take a while to work through and can be frustrating and upsetting for both partners.

  • http://www.god-loves-women.webs.com/ God Loves Women

    Ooh ooh also, I completely forgot to mention.  We must be careful how we frame abstinence.  A lot of the US literature makes out the male cannot control himself and it is up to the female to wear appropriately clothing etc to make it okay.  This guest blog from Restored talks about this:  http://www.restoredrelationships.org/info/blog/2011/08/11/good-things-come-those-who-wait/

  • Jo Royal

    James, great blog – thanks for writing it.  I don’t have any great story to tell – but I appreciate your thoughts and experience being out there for me to share with others.  The statistics are shocking – but actually are not a million miles away from how I understood things 15 years ago before I got married.  I had a lot of Christian friends and pretty much all of them had sex outside of marriage – (‘it’s ok really because we are planning on getting married’).  Of course, hearing that just set the ball rolling in other friends’ relationships – and any support or encouragement NOT to sleep with each other was knocked out of the way.  So – I say – bring on the open and honest discussions about abstinence – because it isn’t a ‘dirty’ word to be shoved in a dark room and kept quiet about.  People need to be reminded of what the Bible says, about sex, about singleness, about relationships – and encouraged and supported to work through what this means in their own lives – open and honestly and in the light!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for commenting Jo, great to hear from you & thanks for encouragement.

  • http://ontoberlin.blogspot.com Hannah M

    I think I have loads to say about this! I sometimes feel I am not the best person to ask about relationships as I have only had one; I started dating a guy I was friends with at school when we were 17. We were engaged at 20, married at 22 and now, at 27, expecting our first child. I don’t have the experience of being single as previous to meeting my husband, I wasn’t bothered about having a boyfriend. This makes it hard when my single friends struggle with things as I feel I’m not qualified to give them advice, if you know what I mean!

    I truly believe that singleness is NOT ‘second best’ but it probably seems easy for me to say that! I have friends around my age who are/were extremely miserable to be single. They see the relationships at church forming, see all the excitement about weddings and gushing over photos of the big day and feel lonely and left out. I know someone who felt she had had to wait a ‘long time’ to ‘finally’ get married, at the age of 27! At the same time I have known people who place so much importance on meeting ‘the one’ as the thing that will finally make them happy and solve all their problems. This is obviously not the case! I’m always interested to read perspectives from anyone who is truly happy and single because it contrasts so much with people I know IRL. 

    The issues surrounding abstinence are so tricky. I remember once having a conversation with work colleagues – me and a male colleague who practices another religion and also ‘waited’. Our workmates just couldn’t believe that we had only slept with our spouses, and intended this to be the case for the rest of our lives. They weren’t mocking us as such, they just couldn’t understand why we would not want the experiences of sleeping with different people, or putting sex ‘on hold’. It was just totally alien to them, which isn’t surprising when as you say, our society places such importance on sex, sexual performance and sexualisation.

    I think the church and Christian groups can turn it into such an issue of shame and it is one that I have struggled with (see my comment in response to god_loves_women). In this atmosphere, despite what you’re always taught about the amazing nature of sex within marriage, it can be hard not to end up with hang-ups. It can also be hard for Christians to be non-judgmental about the experiences of other Christians as well.

    I do not believe in abstinence education as it has been done in the US. I believe that young people should be fully and responsibly informed about sex and relationships, not fed misinformation in an attempt to scare them off doing anything, left ignorant about simple things such as types of contraception and STDs. I also can’t stand the way ‘purity’ has become commercialised in the US – ‘purity balls’ for fathers and daughters, purity jewellery and other merchandise. It’s a personal choice and one that should be respected, not a way to shame young people and make money doing it. The problem with it all is that it places responsibility solely on girls, too. ‘Purity’ is not something that women are the gatekeepers of. It’s important for boys/men to take equal responsibility in this. If they’re going to tell girls who have had sex that they’re ‘used’ and ‘soiled’ while the same messages are not given to boys, it just shows where the real agenda lies. One of my biggest concerns about it all is the potential for serious damage teaching like this can do to young people who have been sexually abused. I think abstinence should be given as a very valid ‘option’ when talking to young people in state schools, but alongside comprehensive sex ed.

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  • Itisme

    Singleness is usually not a choice, this doesn’t mean you can’t be happy or complete but in most cases as you know it is not a choice. You can not say you have choosen to be single. And I know Jesus was single but that is a very poor comparison – Jesus had human form but certtainly was not human.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for your comments  - I would say though that Jesus entered fully into our humanity so was in that sense fully human – though obviously He was the Son of God and without sin, but the without sin was as challenging for Him as it would be for us in one sense. 

      Great to get your contribution to the discussion, look forward to reading more!

      Take care, JP.

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  • http://profiles.google.com/livephonechat livephonechat


    I agree with you on that :)  

  • http://www.future-shape-of-church.org/ Edward Green

    I would not argue that Christian’s should have sex before marriage, even though it seems most do. Add non-evangelicals to that 70% and I am sure it would climb higher – even with conservative Catholics.

    But I don’t think we can divorce biblical teaching on sex from biblical-cultural expectations of marriage. That expectation being that young people would enter marriage as they entered biological sexual maturity. Paul reminds us that it is better to marry than to burn, but people do most of their ‘burning’ in their teens. Very few Christian parents would take Paul’s advice in marrying off their children at such young age, even where it is is legal.

    If marriage came with the age of sexual maturity then that reflects on our understanding of premarital sex. Biblical premarital sex is under-age and abusive to at least one party. It also carries the risk of pregnancy outside the safety of family structures.

    Contemporary premarital sex can fulfill these categories, in terms of emotional maturity, young people being pressured into sex, and the dangers of pregnancy and STI’s.

    I do not agree with the tendency to confuse sex with marriage.  The union of marriage where two become one  involves sex but is not limited to sex. You are not somehow mystically bonded to everyone you ever sleep with, even if there are emotional links.

    Marriage is a covenant of mind and body. A couple may enjoy physical intimacy with each other, but until they make covenant promises to each other they are not fully married. Being a sacramental Christian I would actually suggest that acknowledging marriage as a covenantal sacrament is required too – both partners must be willing and understand it.  I would also see marriage as an ongoing deepening of sacramental covenantal relationship between two adults  - My wife and I are more married now than we were at our nuptial mass!

    Ideally we would all  meet our true love at 14, marry with parental blessing at 16, then enjoy physical and emotional intimacy in a pro-creational relationship that lasts our entire lives. Culturally this is not going to happen in western society.

    In response to this I would echo scriptural teaching on sexual intimacy that is emotionally underage, abusive or can lead to pregnancy (and no form of contraception is perfect!) whilst encouraging people to seek relationships that point towards the fullness of marriage. With these principles I think couples are capable of making their own choices as to what level of physical intimacy is appropriate. When these relationships fail, whatever level of intimacy is shared, I feel that repentance is required.

    • Anonymous

      Interesting comment Edward, you make some very good points. Personally I think it’s pretty clear what God’s ideal for us – but I’m well aware that many Christians don’t follow the way of pre-marital abstinence, and that’s their decision to make and take responsibility for. My, our job, isn’t to judge but merely to love one another and show grace. The best way to set the example is probably to merely show it through your own life, attitudes and behaviour, and not judge those who act differently, just let your actions speak for themselves. Obviously this isn’t a perfect world, bad things will happen and people will make mistakes.  I agree we shouldn’t confuse sex with marriage – but I do think there is a connection that happens between two people who have sex, even if it’s only once – the relationship is always different. I talked about that with a friend at the weekend and though they didn’t think it was sin to have sex outside of marriage, they thought that sex was best saved for marriage, and that is God’s ideal and the healthiest context for sex – and as far as I know they practiced PMA before they were married. I think it’s just better when saved for marriage, and the relationship isn’t confused by the sex and how good it is – which can happen when pre-marital sex happens, instead of simply getting good together, which my friend and I agreed on as the best way – and if you’ve been with no one else, there’s no comparison anyhow. 

      Thanks for your contribution, very important and constructive discussion. JP.

      • http://www.future-shape-of-church.org/ Edward Green

        The danger is making assumptions that there are two options: Abstinence or Promiscuity (which it is clear you don’t).

        However sometimes the Evangelical line comes across that way. Sex before marriage throws you into the sin bin and once there you might as well enjoy it. I know friends who reasoned that way in their teens.

        I am not sure what Paul would write to us today. Marry younger? Burn away? 

        • Anonymous

          Difficult one isn’t it – and I definitely don’t make those assumptions, as you rightly point out. 

          It’s a big topic & difficult discussion, especially when the tide seems to be going further and further away from PMA, even in the church. 

          Marrying younger I don’t think is wise advice – I know myself better now, and understand emotions/relationships/myself/marriage a bit better – better to wait and simply enjoy relationship with friends. Don’t think Paul would advocate young marriage now, nor pre-marital sex. That’s why this discussion needs to happen and be ongoing.

          Thanks again for your comments. JP.

    • http://twitter.com/Pneu_Woman RiaD

      Hiya Edward,

      I have really enjoyed this discussion, and it has given me much fuel for thought.

      As you know (through Twitter) I agree with the premiss that Biblically, marriage happened at a much younger, biologically compatible  age.

      Today though, studies suggest that women are at their most fertile between the ages of  22-26  and the testosterone in males peaks at around age 18, so if we wanted to use biology to undergird our doctrine, boys should all have older wives :-)

      Just kidding of course.

      Obviously people did marry earlier than they do today as was the social norm.   But I don’t think that is a reason to not abstain in today’s culture.   

       I also believe that we as Christians, have the ability to follow the decrees of God in-spite of culture, by the empowering of the Holy Spirit- I’ll come back to this. 

      I do not subscribe to the theory that there are worse sins than others in terms of God’s judgement- and once forgiven, I believe all to BE forgiven.   

      So perhaps that starting place allows me to think of SBM like any other struggle with sin a believer may have, rather than seeing it as the struggle to end all struggles.

      Maybe this is slightly hypocritical of me, given that I was 4 months pregnant when I got married or perhaps it is in being married (for 18 years now) that I have come to realize/observe,  that sexual temptation is not something that just happens to those who are single.

      And if this is the case, then surely there may be a chance that some of those who think they are just ‘burning with passion’ may actually have other triggers for the desire to have SBM.

      See, I hold a fundament philosophy, that there are a couple of different types of sin.  There is the type of sin we do and we don’t really realize we have done it, or is unintentional.  

      There is that we do that is intentional, and we are just rebellious.  

      And then there is the type of sin that happens, because somewhere deep within us, something has taken root and the sin is the consequence of whatever that root is.

      I guess an example of this might be David and his desire for Bathsheba.  David was a military man, self control and self disciple would have been key elements to who he was, yet, other desires, perhaps to do with pride, covetousness or lust, had taken root within him.  And he CHOSE not to be self disciplined in this area of his life. 

      So to apply this:   In dealing young people or indeed people of any age, I guess my first question would be is why do you feel the need to have SBM?  

      In my own case there were a myriad of reasons that for the most part had little to do with my self control.  I know this, because I was well able to practice self control in many other areas of my life.  So self control wasn’t the issue for me. 

      There were deep rooted issues that should have been dealt with much earlier on.

      See as the church, I think we spend a lot of time scratching an itch, rather than dealing with why the itch is there to begin with.

      Which is probably why I have really enjoyed this discussion, because it is the kind of thrashing out biblical concepts, I wish I had felt safe to do as a teen.  It is the type of discussion that helps to understand the itch, rather than just scratch at it.

      So while I do think there may be a biological battle going on, and while I certainly agree that our over sexualized culture adds fuel to the flame,  I think we the church, would do better to ask more questions, before we endeavor to answer.

      Because I don’t think self control is always the issue, because people manage to practice it in many other areas of life.

      And I don’t think that biology and society can bear the brunt of the blame either.

      I do think that knowing why we do what we do, or why we want to do it, can point to things with in our soul and spirit that need redeeming, healed and made whole and once those things are dealt with, the battles will be easier- surely?

      Because going back to the very first point, if Christ tells us that ALL things are possible with Him, surely that means that ALL things are possible?  And if He desires that one enjoys a sexual relationship within marriage, then surely He can empower us toward that end.

      No?

      • Anonymous

        Great comment Ria, and thanks for sharing a part of your story – interesting to see what you have learned through your experiences. Thanks so much for sharing, really value your comments. JP.

        • http://twitter.com/Pneu_Woman RiaD

          Thanks for allowing me to James.

          And as the mother of an almost 18 year old boy, I am always REALLY thankful when brave men (and women), use their own lives as a platform for discussion, in order to help encourage others around them.

          Bless you. 

          • Anonymous

            You’re always welcome to comment Ria – voices like yours need to be heard & you’re always a welcome voice. Thanks for the encouragement. Take care, JP.

      • http://www.future-shape-of-church.org/ Edward Green

        Really like your reflections on self control and acknowledging that sexual temptation comes at any age. 

        Whilst I agree that all things are possible with God recent conversations with youth workers and others are suggesting we may being trying to force a quart into a pint pot on this issue. So many unmarried people are abandoning PMA and with it perhaps the more general principles I outlined – that all physical intimacy, from the first snog behind the bike sheds to sex itself finds its ultimate resolution and fulfillment within the sacrament of marriage.

        I know very few people who have not fallen short from that principle, and I am happy to join them in the queue for confession – except like you perhaps I have already worked through some of this through the sacrament of reconciliation.

        Our culture is sadly not pro-sex. Not real sex in any case. Post-Modernity has presented us with an unreachable ideal of perfect bodies, mind blowing intimacy and outrageous athletics. For our teenagers perhaps this is the greatest challenge to overcome – whether they wait or not.

        • http://twitter.com/Pneu_Woman RiaD

          Absolutely, I agree 100%

          As a now (horrifyingly) middle aged mum who has spent her whole parental life swimming against one cultural tide or another, I can understand the the way culture (even church culture) affects perceptions, and the  strong pull it has upon ourselves and others (of all generations). 

          I have been listening to and studying the word repentance this past year, and there is some evidence to suggest that repentance is fundamentally a change of thinking (first).

          If this is true, then we repent when we exchange our truth for God’s truth. Which then should, hopefully, lead to a change in action. For when our ‘truth’ is right, our actions are owned and easier to put into action.

          I remember a time when I was newly married and heavily pregnant that some older women in the church, at a ladies night  I was attending, were having a discussion about their then teenage daughters.  Seeing me in my state, had caused them to conclude that they should all put their girls on the pill if they ever started dating.

          I was horrified.   That this was the truth they would build their way forward on.  Sex = pregnancy.  

          I wonder if we need to get back to the truths and examine our thinking as per the gospel- and see if our very core belief s are based on truth or lie?

          While I agree that if one is going to engage in sexual activity they should do it safely (a fact we have told our own children), I was mortified that this was the conclusion.  That rather than deal with the ‘why’ their girls may enter into sexual relationships to begin with, we will just deal with stopping pregnancy happen.  It wasn’t very honouring to these young girls.

          It was also my observation, that each one of those families who came to that conclusion, ended up with a pregnant daughter, in spite of their safe sex policy.  It simply wasn’t enough.

          I think the Body needs to reinvent the hows and whys we do what we do.  We need deeper levels of relationship and community, and we need to have authentic relationships and discussions.  

          Which it sounds like you are doing really effectively.

          Creating environments that challenge the thinking to begin with, (rather than the action), lead us to understand our identity in Christ, rather than in culture.

          I think a lot of these issues stem from a lack of value of self and others.  Not understanding our identity in Christ.  As many worth issues are mixed up in these decisions, and a lot of ‘what does it matter any way’ type thinking.

          I think we are on the same page here, perhaps coming at it from different angels.  I think culture needs to be understood, especially when helping people to stand against it, live amongst it, and engage with it,  in order to reach others.  

          Yet I think we need to make sure we are soaked in our heavenly culture, and our identity, and worth is defined by the gospel, not the world.  Lifting our eyes higher, to another kingdom, taking our worth from that kingdom, helps us to stand strong in this one. 

          And of course, the most wonderful thing about the gospel is, that there is ALWAYS hope, always grace, and always forgiveness. And nothing in our past, need to shape our future.

          He certainly is a great God. 

          • Anonymous

            Great points Ria, thanks for your comments. So great that this post is stimulating such positive discussion! Thanks again.

  • http://www.future-shape-of-church.org/ Edward Green

    On singleness and the higher calling of celibacy I agree completely. Sex is temporal whereas intimacy with God is eternal. 

    Historically since the communities of widows in the New Testament there have been community expressions for those called to such a life. ‘New’ Monasticism may be making a come back, but the monastic celibate pattern for those not called to marriage but to a deeper life of prayer and service has been thoroughly neglected by Protestantism.

    • Anonymous

      Some interesting comments, thanks for your contribution again Edward – definitely some things for us all to ponder on. The ‘New Monastic’ stuff is indeed more ‘fashionable’ now, but there is still more for us to learn and ponder on in this whole area. Thanks again. JP.

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