Over time I have realized that Evolving Church is more than just about church, its about the Christian faith.

The idea of church and how we live out our faith are inexorably linked – as they should be. Jesus didn’t intend us to be disciples of His on our own, but in the context of community. Its an idea He modelled Himself during His ministry and how the movement of Christianity grew so quickly.  How we do church is inevitably linked with how we follow Jesus, and our ideas and perceptions on what following Jesus means.

This is a critical time for me in my writing and teaching, and my discipleship  - indeed my life as a whole. The process I have been through the last three years which culminated in being baptized, and now with the New Year and my moving house, has in a sense reached a pivotal or transitional moment. A moment where things will evolve and change and where I need to look at where I am being challenged and need to grow. I have reached a marker post in my life and now need to see where it is taking me next.

That will inevitably mean a shift in the content and style of this site and in a shift, or an evolution, in terms of the vision and mission of the site. I have realized that I need to grow and develop in my writing and teaching. I need to take more time over posts, go deeper and also do more writing outside my blog.

A friend said to me recently that the secret of developing a movement, an idea, a vision, is to create your own space. To create something, somewhere where these ideas have room to grow, to evolve, to develop. Where movements can grow, where things can be refined and developed and other people can join in. Evolving Church is one such idea, for me. My real vision for Evolving Church is to create a space where people can connect, discuss, debate and be equipped to restore, reclaim and redefine the vision of what church can and should be in a post-modern context.

A place where we can face the issues and discuss them openly, being real about the dilemmas the church, the community of followers of Jesus Christ, faces and how we can build a church more in keeping with His vision of church in the culture we live in. Being open and serious about exploring how we can reclaim the things that have been lost, and ditch religion, dogmatism and tradition and focus on the values of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, peace, justice, sacrifice and community – in the context of how Jesus defined them and lived them out.

I believe that Evolving Church can become more than just a blog. It can become a space where people looking for hope can come and find hope through being a disciple of Jesus. A place where people dissolusioned with church as it is or who want change can come and be equipped, encouraged and inspired. A place where people can come and discuss these issues safely, maybe in a forum. A place where people have opportunity to contribute to the discussion through their own blog posts. I myself want to expand my range of creativity in how I communicate this message – podcast and video are two areas which are vastly underused and where maybe there is room for exploration, and as I develop my gifts and grow in my faith my contribution will change and be influenced as a result – hopefully in a positive way.

Although the growth of this site and this vision is in one sense tied to my own developement and growth, in the end this isn’t about me. Its about Jesus and the church, its about the vision, its about getting the message out there, its about refining and developing this vision and fleshing it out more. Creating bigger space for this idea to grow. Obviously I grow, it is easier for me to see that bigger picture, and set myself new challenges and explore these ideas in fresh, new ways.

I believe that ultimately this will need to go beyond this site. That, however, is the future.

I need to re-evaluate things and develop new ideas, and think about how to take this on further. I would value your prayers and support as I do this, and I hope that you’ll continue to read and comment on this blog as I continue to post my thoughts and reflections here and as I start to explore where to take this idea next.

I saw the film ‘Avatar’ recently, a film shot with a new kind of camera in 3-D. I’d heard a lot about how amazing it was, how it would change my view of all other films forever and how the CGI was so good you found it hard to believe it wasn’t real. I put on those big NHS-style specs in the cinema wondering what it would look like and how it would be, and whether like a lot of hyped-up things it wouldn’t deliver. But it did. It was incredible. I was blown away by it. It was an incredible film, and the story itself has a lot of subliminal messages – personal, theological and political, which I will write about soon.

But having seen this film in 3-D which such amazing CGI, having my eyes opened to a different way of seeing a film and watching a film which took the concept of filmaking to another plane is such a compelling way, has changed my view of all other films like it which have gone before. It makes the Matrix, in its CGI anyway, look dated – which is quite an achievement given how radical it was for its time and how much it pushed the boundaries in its own right at the time. The Matrix is still one of my all-time top films, but now I wonder how good it could have been if it had been made with this technology, in this way. I start to imagine what a Superman film might look like with this technology.

It doesn’t matter if I take the 3-D glasses off, I can’t deny the experience I’ve had, what I’ve seen and what might be possible anymore. I have seen it and experienced it, it is a reality for me now.The bottom line is now that this has become the bar by which all future films of this nature will be judged. I have what is called ‘The Curse of Knowledge’ now, in that all other films of this type will be compared to this one.

I could see this film in 2-D and although the content of the film would be the same, I wouldn’t have seen the whole picture. I would have missed something. Something would have been incomplete about it – and that is easier to say now I’ve see it in 3-D.

My eyes have been opened to see what is possible in film, and what could be possible in the future. It makes what has past seem old and dated – not bad, but dated.

My eyes have been opened to a new reality, a new story.

As I thought about this I couldn’t help but think about how knowing Jesus and following Him has done the same thing for my life. What God has done in my life and how He has changed my life are undeniable, and the more I choose to orientate my life around Him the more I see of Him and the more He can do. And the more I see of Him, the more I experience Him, the harder it is to go back.

Even if I screw up and ignore Him. I can’t get away from the truth that He is real.

Even if I’m so angry with Him I want to reject Him completely, I can’t. Sometimes in fact I get angry that I can’t deny Him, because I know He is real.

I know what the reality of our story on earth is all about, what life itself is all about, and I can’t ignore it. Like taking off the 3-D glasses, even if I do I can’t deny what I have seen and experienced, I can’t deny the reality. I can’t deny what has happened and what might be possible anymore. I have seen it. I have felt it. I have experienced it.

Before I knew Jesus, I could keep going on with my life in 2-D, and experience life and enjoy it and go through the same experiences and be none the wiser. It might still be fun, it might still be good and fulfilling, it would have the same problems. But having seen life in 3-D, seen it in its proper context, seen the reality of God, then I can’t go back. The other life seems boring and incomplete in comparison. It doesn’t square up to the reality I have seen and experienced through God, and I can’t go back to it or deny it, because I have seen it and experienced it.

Even in my lowest and darkest times, I cannot ignore that reality. I cannot ignore the truth. Like Avatar has changed my view of film forever, meeting God and experiencing relationship and life with Him, meeting with Him, has transformed my idea of what life is about, about the reality of our world, about what is important, about everything.

No matter how much I try and ignore and deny it, I can’t go back. Its there.

You can keep on living your life in 2-D if you want. It may be enjoyable, it may be fulfilling and happy, and you will have good and bad times. But I can tell you, unless you have truly experienced God and understood who He is – beyond religion, beyond tradition, beyond even the church, bigger than anything you can imagine and loving and gracious in ways that you can’t even explain – then you won’t have seen the complete picture.

You won’t have seen what’s possible. You won’t have seen everything in its proper context. You won’t have understood reality at its deepest and truest level.

Trust me, its worth a look.

I have just had my previous blog post about advent published on Christine Sine’s blog, ‘Godspace‘. As I mentioned before they are currently running a series of blog post by authors from all over the world on the theme of advent and their own reflections on it.

I sent mine in – in vain hope rather than expectation, it must be said – but they liked it and have posted it here if you want to have a look.

It doesn’t matter if you already read it here, its always good to go back and reflect again on something for a second time, and above all there are a lot of other blog posts on the same theme on this site which I know will really bless you.

This is an exciting development for me in terms of my own journey of writing, and its great to have so many people supporting me. Its a privilege to be able to share my thoughts with you and to get posted on a blog with a bigger audience is a real blessing, and very humbling.

I do feel a calling to write and teach and this is just one more step along that journey. I hope you will stay with me for the ride.

At church today our pastor was talking about the season of advent, leading up to Christmas, and asked us what we were most looking forward to or expecting this advent season.

I couldn’t really think.

All that came to my mind when it came to Christmas was presents, seeing family, parties and the busyness. I mean, of course I knew Christmas was about Jesus, but it was almost like that was a given. Then our pastor said that he was thinking about

Emmanuel, God with us.

And I paused.

I realized that my first instinct when I thought had Christmas wasn’t of God, wasn’t of the coming of Jesus or the meaning of His coming.

It wasn’t anything to do with

God. Or Jesus

I had let myself get so sucked into secular idea of Christmas -

presents, decorations, wrapping, parties, family, cheesy songs that you hear every year

- and worrying about what I’m doing on what day that the real heart of Christmas, the reason why we celebrate, had completely slipped my mind.

I mean, I knew that Christmas wasn’t about the secular things, but about Jesus, but it was almost like I was so in the routine of doing the same things every advent/Christmas season – even in a church context, that the importance, significance and meaning of it had got drummed out of me by life – almost without me knowing it, or even desiring it.

You see this year I’ve been a bit grumpy when it comes to decorations, parties and cheesy music (there’s only so many times you can hear ‘Simply having a wonderful Christmas time’ before wanting to break the radio), because I’ve felt like the real meaning has been lost to people – when people start making cards deliberately without nativity or Christmas (in the proper sense) themes because they don’t want to offend non-Christians at Christmas (now there’s a paradox and irony if ever I saw one) and people rarely if ever mention Jesus when talking about Christmas it’s easy to get dissolusioned with the whole thing.

I sometimes wish that we dumped the tinsel, the tree and the presents.

I sometimes wish that instead we just focussed on reflecting on and celebrating (I mean really celebrating, not just singing songs, but eating and drinking and partying, with a measure of self-control anyway) the arrival of Jesus, and the love and grace of God in giving us Jesus.

I want to say to people who get offended by Christmas cards with Christian messages or pictures – though of course I shouldn’t and I don’t – not to bother with Christmas, or at least don’t call it Christmas if you do give gifts and cards –  because its clearly not anything to do with what they believe in.

I want to tell people, to frank, that its a Christian festival (though the date may come from pagan festivals) or celebration, and the point is that its about Jesus – that’s why its called ‘Christmas’.

To tell them that there is a reason the word ‘Christ’ is in the name of the season (next thing they’ll try to get rid of that…). I mean Christians don’t try to stop other people celebrating their religious festivals or interfere with them, so why should they infringe on ours?

What I’m saying is not that I would actually ever say this, but that I’d gotten so sick of people distracting from what Christmas is really about – Christ – and manipulating it to suit themselves and disrespecting its meaning, that in my heart I had just given up.

Christmas has become so about all the other things that I’d almost forgotten or given up on its true meaning.

I’d lost the ‘Christ’ in Christmas.

Now I’m not going to have a go at those of other religions or who don’t follow Christ about Christmas as I talked about, of course not.That’s not the way of Jesus.

But what I can and want to do is at least reclaim the real meaning in my own life, in my own heart.

I don’t have to make a big deal out of it or be judgemental or sit on my high horse about it, or get religious and legalistic.

I’m not asking anyone to agree with me or believe what I believe.

However, I will act and see Christmas differently, and when asked, explain to people that to me Christmas is about more than what everyone else thinks, that to me its a sacred and special time. That its not just an excuse to eat and celebrate and give gifts, its a time to remember a celebrate one of the biggest moments in the history of all time, which has great meaning for me.

That there is significance in the

‘Christ’

in the word Christmas.

Because of the secularisation of Christmas, the season of advent has in some ways become more important than Christmas Day to me now. Because although we have advent calenders, it is largely untouched by consumerism.

People haven’t taken the idea of advent and put other things under the title ‘advent’ like they have with Christmas. Of course there is a secular kind of advent in the build up to Christmas, with parties, buying presents and advertising on TV about Christmas, but advent itself hasn’t been taken over.

Over time advent has come to create a time and space to think about the real meaning and significance of Christmas, to prepare my heart to hear and respond again to the message of Christmas and its significance.

Its come to be a time when I’ve really discovered again the reason for the Christ in Christmas. So when Christmas Day comes round again I will be celebrating something real, something big and important, not just celebrating for the sake of it.

It will engage with my heart much more because of this season of advent and because of how I’ve been reflecting on what the coming of Jesus really means, both for me and for all of us.

I hope that you can too.

And if you’re not a believer, in the build up to Christmas I would encourage you to think about where this story comes from, why we celebrate.

To question whether there’s something bigger going on, something more  to Christmas than just presents, dinner and parties.

To ask yourself why we have the ‘Christ’ in Christmas.

Indeed, maybe that’s a question that all of us need to ask ourselves.

If you want to discover more about advent and reflect more on the Christ in Christmas, then Christine Sine is running a series on her blog ‘Godspace’ (see the link on the right marked ‘Godspace’ if this link doesn’t work) where you can read a number of reflections on advent from different writers from all over the world.

Tonight I got baptised. This was an incredible experience for me, involving giving my testimony followed by being fully submerged in some very warm water.

But something else happened in my heart through all this process, and I felt compelled to share it with you. Honestly, right now I just want to bless everyone, I feel so blessed and fortunate, and loved and valued by God. He’s done so much for me and I am more grateful than ever for this.

The whole metaphor of baptism is that when we are submerged in the water we are dying to our old life and rising to our new life in Jesus. And as those of you who have read my testimony will know this is very much true for me. Tonight was about putting the past in its place and moving forward, and someone praying for me said he felt this was a pivotal moment in my life. It really felt like it.

As I came out of the water I knew something had changed. I felt a peace in my heart, I felt myself. I felt alive in a way I’d never felt before. The old self I had been for so long and I thought I was was dead, Jesus had washed it away, and I had risen up to a new life with Him. This person God has made me to be and I’d been discovering no longer felt like another person, but it felt like me. Doing this in front of everybody including my family made the transformation in my life real, and suddenly I felt like all the fear and confusion had been washed away. I felt like I belonged, I felt safe.

Our pastor used the metaphor, which those of us in the UK will know, of Doctor Who regenerating, and called baptism a kind of spiritual regeneration, but much bigger than that. I really felt like that in one sense, that one self was dying and another was rising from the midst of it.

This was the culmination of a long process I’ve been on with God. It was a pivotal moment it my life. I was fully going from one life to the other, where my identity and security come from Jesus. I received many words of encouragement, especially about my speaking/teaching up front and some other words from other people. Everyone was so pleased for me and supportive of me, and really generous in giving cards and gifts.

I felt at home. I felt part of something bigger than me. I felt I was somewhere safe and where I belonged and that I finally felt safe in my own skin, that I had become that man God was always making me to be.

Although I know life won’t always be easy and that I will have tough times and doubts in the years ahead, I know God will always be with me. I can remember how He was with me all through those times I thought I was alone and didn’t abandon me, and how He rescued me and brought me to this pivotal moment in my life. I can remember the amazing blessings I had at this time, on this night and the memory of this night I know will be with me forever.

Whenever I have doubts in the future or have tough times, I will be able to look back at this night and remember that I am not alone, that I am walking through this life with Jesus. I can remember that I have an identity that lies in Him, that He loves me and will always be on my side, and will always remember the joy I felt on this night  (and am still feeling now).

I want to encourage all of you out there. God is with us even when we don’t realize it, watching over us, looking out for us. He doesn’t abandon or forsake us, but He shows us our true identity and true purpose, and although He doesn’t make problems go away He sticks with us through them all and brings us out the other side, closer to Him and feeling more blessed and loved than ever. He’s saved and transformed my life, and I hope and pray that whether you’ve drifted from faith or you don’t have faith, that you find Jesus. And if you do know Him, don’t ever take Him for granted, keep being thankful, keep seeking Him.

His way is simply the best way to live. He’s the answer to all of life’s questions, and He loves and values us all. He wants us all to live the life He called us to and bring heaven to earth in our daily lives, in all the things we do and decisions we make, He wants His followers to be an outward looking people, an outward looking church who want to serve Him in the world we live in, and spread His message not just through words but through our actions, our decisions and our lifestyle. To find our role in the restoration of all things and go on adventure with Him.

This is the end of the beginning for me. Its the beginning of something new in my life, a new chapter, an adventure with God and I am looking forward to seeing where that takes me.

I want to encourage you all, just grasp hold of Jesus – or let Him grasp hold of you. Trust me, it will be worth it – and He won’t ever let go.

I have just watched an interview with the head of advertising agency Saatchi and Saatchi on Sky News. I can’t find an online link, however it was very revealing. He is advising the Conservatives on the General Election campaign, and said that in a change from much previous campaigning, people are now looking for something positive. They want hope. They want something real. He used the example of Barack Obama’s successful campaign to be President, which was run on the same lines. He said that people are not looking to be led, they feel its up to them to make their own minds up, and they are all sick of the negative campaigning as things are so bad. They want hope, genuine hope for the future and to know their role in it, to know they are secure through difficult times.  He concluded by saying that the party who offers that will be more likely to win.

Now the idea of ‘winning’, ‘competition’ and ‘market’ all go against the values that Jesus taught and lived out. But it reminded me that the message which provides genuine authentic hope, helps you find your true identity and gives you the ultimate security is the message of Jesus, and that we have a unique opportunity at this time – which we cannot waste.

It caused me great frustration too, because people are clearly open and looking for that hope, for that quest for their true identity, for something to put their faith in. Its like a harvest out there waiting to be reaped. Yet all the church is doing is separating itself more and more from the world and what’s going on in it. The church is seen as divided and hypocritical and people have lost faith in it. There are few churches in this country which are growing, and only 1% of the population regularly attend church (as opposed to ‘just’ 25 % in the USA).

I don’t like to use the term ‘marketing’ in relation to church, but it appears to me that the church is not communicating its message in the right way. Its not ‘selling’ itself well enough – and there are many reasons for that.

I personally think many churches have set themselves up as they are and refuse to change and adapt to their environment, refuse to change how they communicate and don’t want to look outwards. The church no longer takes the lead on the issues that matter either, but seems to follow the tide. Churches look more and more inwards to self-preservation rather than looking outwards and being missional. I can’t tell you just how frustrating this is. My church is one of the few that does seem to be missional and outward looking. But its hard to find them.

I’m afraid the church simply has to change. There are a few good churches doing this, but not enough of them.

And we need to remember that the medium is the message. Its not true that ‘the medium changes, but the messages stay the same’. That simply isn’t the case. How we communicate our message impacts the message people will receive, and sometimes certain messages are communicated without us even realizing it. These can be positive, through social action, or public forgiving someone no one else does, or making little but noticeable decisions differently. But it can also be very negative, which often comes from how we do church and the message the established church sends out, both in the public domain and in its language and sometimes even its attitude to new members who don’t ‘fit’ with their church.

The solution?

We need to provide a message that is in language people understand, we need to take religion out of the equation. We need to get the fundamental message across that following Jesus is not a religion, that its a way of life. We need to have a genuine ‘come as you are’ culture in church. We need to change the medium, the language and focus on the values of Jesus that unite people and many of us share, rather than the religion that divides us. This is the only hope for authentic church growth and for evangelism.

You see the message of Jesus is one of real, authentic hope.

Its one about the restoration of all things to how it was originally designed them to be. It shows us that there is a bigger story going on and that we all have a role to play in it, in which we find our true purpose and identity. The message is that no matter what our status, wealth, situation or issues, no matter who we are or what we’ve done, we are unconditionally loved by the creator of all things who sent His son to die to rescue us and initiate a great earth-restoration project to bring heaven and earth back together, of which we are all invited to be a part.

Its not about getting a ticket to heaven. Its not about how bad we are now and how much we need to change our ways or we’ll burn in hell. Its not about religion. Its not about tradition or a set or rules which we need to adhere to to get God’s blessing or approval. God’s love isn’t conditional on us doing the right thing all the time and having or living the perfect life.

Those things need to be taken out of the equation.

The church needs to look outwards.

The role of a church meeting is for it not to be the point. Its simply a place where we engage with God in a focussed way in community, and get teaching on how to live out what we believe in our everyday lives, bringing Jesus into the everyday. A place where we worship and celebrate together and have fellowship, but which is focussed on looking outwards and helping people engage with the world through their faith and with their faith.

The church which emerges out of this service is a community. The leaders of that community facilitate a structure where people  from that community get discipleship, training, accountability, opportunities to serve and pastoral support when things are difficult. It is a community which at its best a sense of family, but also has a missional outlook. House groups play an important part in achieving and carrying this out, as does prayer ministry, discipleship training of various types and ministry training. Leaders of a church community also need to create or open up opportunities for people to engage with their local community by getting involved with community action projects, or starting their own, and look outwards from our relative security of the west and how we can serve the wider world.

A church has to be outward looking, it has to be missional.

It has to be evangelistic.

It has to present the gospel as a present reality which we play a part in and show us how we can do that by putting the teachings of the Bible in their proper context, explaining them and showing what they mean for us now, and how they should be impacting our lives now. That deals with the issues we all face and talks about them from God’s perspective, but in a way all can understand.

In order to present this message, we need to know what people are looking for – and from this interview I saw its pretty clear what they are looking for. I spoke to my cousin’s husband – an atheist –  recently and he said that his problem wasn’t believing in God, but with the hypocrisy of religion and the church and without that he’d be open to the idea of God.

Maybe, in reality, the problem with the church is the church.

If we save the church then maybe we can see it grow and it – or we  - can become more the kind of church Jesus always wanted it to be.

Got a few little things I wanted to share in terms of what’s coming up on this site. I’m currently researching/writing some stuff on the principle/idea of the Sabbath (including practicing a Sabbath and experiencing it myself) which I hope to have up sometime before Christmas. I have a lot of ideas I’ve written down for projects or things I’d like to write/speak about, and am currently trying to get some time to think about them properly and see what form they look like too. They may end up as blog posts (or parts of them anyway) but they may also end up as other things too, so I will keep you all in the loop as much as I can on those things, and would appreciate your prayers and support in all of this.

I’m beginning to learn that rather than trying to push everything yourself, its often good to look at what God is already doing, and join in on that. Sometimes God speaks to you and tells you to do something, or initiate something, but sometimes its a process as you start to hear things about different topics and subjects, and bump it to it more often, so you sense its time to talk about it. That’s what’s happened with this idea and thinking about the Sabbath, and about reflecting on things I want to communicate to people and how I can do this best, in whatever medium or form it takes. And often the best thing to do is to see how it pans out, have an open mind about what God wants to do and how He wants to do it.

I have ideas to communicate, but it may be more than a blog. It may be a podcast, or short film/video, or book, or website or a combination of all of them, or some of them or even none of them. My job is just to pursue it and see how it pans out.

The bigger vision is my overall perspective on the Christian faith and being a disciple of Jesus, and what church was always planned to look like in terms of its values, attitudes, perspectives, purpose and mission, and how that looks in todays world. In seeing how what God has spoken through the Bible means in our 21st century consumer, secular culture, and what the life, death and resurrection of Jesus means for us now. I feel strongly that eventually, it will get to the point of attempting to see what it works out like in reality myself – and in the meantime it means trying to put this into practice in my own church community.

I’m excited by what God is doing now, and I’m sure there’s more to come, and it will probably come in ways and means I don’t expect.

I just need to keep on seeing what God is doing in me already, without being concously aware of it, and then keep joining in with that and being obedient to it. That’s one of the things I’m trying to do with my baptism, and in writing this blog. Its something I think we all need to do, and it brings a sense of excitement, anticipation and adventure into our journey with God. Jesus told us if that if we seek, we will find.

If we look for God working in our lives and keep our eyes open, then we can join in with it. In doing that, we are working in harmony with God and through this God can work more powerfully. In the process, we discover more of ourselves.

Join in with God. Its the only way to go.

Earlier this week I mentioned that I have decided to get baptised, and today I want to share just how this came about. Why? Well, God has done some incredible things in my life in the last few years, and I really wanted to bless you by sharing this with you. I have left names and specific details out – believe me, it could me much longer – for confidentiality and personal reasons – but the essential message is clear. I also think it may help some of you who read this and don’t really meet me or see me, to know a little bit more of my story. I will be giving my testimony at the baptism service itself, however I only have 5 minutes at the service, and of course not all of you will be there, and this allows me to go into a bit more detail and share with some other people. To give my full testimony, which I will do some day, I have come to realize would take over an hour to speak about fully, yet alone write. I want for now to focus on my story of the last three years, the journey which has led me to this point in my life.

I want to join the story at the moment I joined Vineyard Church Sutton, in September 2006. I told my pastor and assosicate pastor clearly what I felt my calling and gifting was – church leadership – but deep down I refused to believe it, as I had for a long tim. In fact, in hindsight, self-pity, self-doubt and fear, at that point, was my security. This lack of faith in myself, self-pitying, bitterness and resentment was almost defining me, not my faith. This began to change after I joined the church. I had just started counselling for my anger problems, and I underwent in Spring 2007 Personal Prayer Ministry with our church. During one of these meetings, God told the woman who was praying with me four specific things God was saying to her about me. That I had a lot of common sense, that I was emotionally intelligent, had a deep spirituality and a strong committment to to the purposes of God.

I was shocked. I tried to deny this, and expressed my doubts to those praying with me. However, the person praying was one of the wisest, perceptive and God-hearing people in my church, and there was no doubt she had heard from God. It was only since that day that I started to notice these qualities in myself.

In this time I began to see who I really was. That the stressed, angry, immature, over-sensitive, easily intimidated, grieving person I acted like wasn’t really me. It was who I used to be. It was a child inside me which had been controlling me without me realizing, and that the real me was someone totally different. Someone I had never really met, didn’t know or understand, and that God was starting to reveal through the counselling, prayer ministry and through my new church.

Later that year got an even bigger shock. A letter from my pastor, asking me to join the ‘leadership community’ of my church, a group of several people who are leaders or potential leaders amongst our church community. It was the first time anyone in church leadership had asked me to lead, or expressed a belief in a gift of leadership. I could hardly believe it. I thought it was a joke at first, but soon realized that it was a serious request.  I remember my fears with my counsellor, who I met with directly before my first meeting, and talking with her about leaving my ‘old self’, the child I had acted like for so long and allowed myself to be for so long. When I walked into that meeting in January 2008, it felt like I’d let go of that child. For the first time in my life, I felt like a man. I felt like I belonged.

In April 2008 I was best man at my best friend’s wedding. It was big deal for me, a person who never felt he got picked for anything, never got near any responsibility. In front of old friends who assumed that this old self was who I really was, I had responsibility, I had to manage the day, manage people, give a speech and oversee everything. It went well and was a roaring success, and my speech got a lot of plaudits – and I was reminded that I had also got plaudits for my other best man’s speech at my Dad’s wedding, and that for someone who never thought he’d be a best man, I’d now done it twice.

For a long time I’d lived a little in his shadow, which wasn’t his fault and not necessarily even mine. It was just how we were. I needed to find my own identity seperate from him, in my own church. This allowed me to do that even more.

That winter I read with my house group a book about taking steps of faith. As we came to the end, I began to feel strongly once again a call to leadership. God had long been given me a passion for church, for exploring and understanding more about what it means to follow Jesus, what it means to do church, and exploring the way of God as something deeper and bigger than religion, and for communicating this in innovative, fresh ways. It was at this time it began to crystallise into a clear vision of what God wanted – and still wants – me to do with my life.

In January 2009 I completed a 40-day discipleship course with my church, ‘Flow’. The idea of this was to orientate our daily everyday lives around our faith. Daily Bible verses, daily prayers, spiritual disciplines, reading, studying and conducting spiritual exercises, both as individuals and in fellowship. It proved to me that I could do these disciplines if I focussed myself, and committed myself. It also confirmed the things God was already telling me. As part of this course I did a course called the ‘Network Course’, and it revealed that my principal gifts were teaching, leadership and encouragement. I spoke with my associate pastor – probably to get him to tell me that it wasn’t accurate, so that I didn’t have to believe it – but he affirmed me in those gifts, saying that he could see all those gifts in me.

This again shocked me to a degree. Or rather, it scared me. Because it showed me that these visions and dreams I had thought about, these ideas I had, the things I had been writing about, might actually become a reality, and that God really had equipped me with the gifts I thought I had, and that I needed to pursue these ideas. This, I realized was who I really was.

The area I really needed – and still constantly need – to work on was my character. My confidence. My fears and insecurities, my doubts.

For this I had to back to my past. I enrolled on a Living Waters course. This took me back to my childhood, my past, my pain. It helped me explore these in the context of and in the presence of the reality and presence of Jesus, and showed me in a safe environment how these things were linked to my present insecurities and fears. I got prayer and healing, and in this time began to realise how little I had thought of myself, and how much I mattered to God. I understood my fear of rejection and abandonment – by women and by anyone I got close to. I understood how all this time fear had been my god and been ruling my life. I got a certificate of adoption by God, to help me realise that I belonged to Him, and that He would not abandon me.

My problems didn’t disappear overnight, but the process of healing was well and truly begun, and I had the support of an amazing house group and good friends through all this time. My counselling, combined with work at Living Waters, had given me control of my anger. The rage that controlled me had – and has – gone. It was time for the counselling to come to a natural close as well. I had become more self-aware, more confident, more understanding of my own problems and issues and developed ways of dealing with them, I had built up a network of friends to support me, and grown up in many ways, and realized how much I still had to learn. I was taking more of an  active role in church, in particular with the creative arts team, involving speaking at the front and preparing things for church, and my writing had improved and developed, and I was reading more than I ever had.

But there was one surprise to come.

I spoke with someone about getting healing for my epilepsy. Before I had even thought, I said outloud “Why would God heal me? There’s more important people than me, I’m not good enough to get healed”. I stopped myself. I realized what I had said.

At the church service the next Sunday, my pastor talked about the Holy Spirit and about demons. He spoke about how sometimes we allow things to consume and overtake us, and they become demons. He mentioned anger, and I immediately connected. I then realized exactly what God had been doing in my life, how He had healed these demons. I realized I had other ones chasing me, my fears and insecurities, that I still have (and we all have some) and felt confident that God would take care of me. But there was something deeper this time. Something I had not even realized within myself, which was buried so deep only God could reach it.

God spoke to my heart. My heart went warm, tingly and felt filled with power and peace. God said these exact words to me (and it chokes me up even writing them):

“You think you’re worthless…but to me you’re worth everything”

Before I could think, I was crying. Crying is something I rarely do, but I was overwhelmed. At that moment the communion bread and wine came out, and got up and took it as soon as I could. I realized that all this time, and maybe even now, that in my heart I saw myself as worthless and not good enough. That for all the confidence and strength on the surface, inside I didn’t think I was worth anything, even to God. God made it clear to me that no matter what I thought I was worth, that to Him I was worth absolutely everything.

It still feels uncomfortable thinking I am worth everything to Jesus. It still makes little sense to me. But I guess that’s grace for you.

I have been through so much and grown so much, but I feel I am only beginning. Now I’m on a journey with my friend, brother, Father, and Saviour, to understand and truly believe the words He said to me. That I am truly important to Him, no matter what happens to me in my life. That He really does have a plan for me. That the dreams, visions and desires of my heart – and the ones He has put on my heart – can really become a reality.

Now I want to publicly announce this. I want to state publicly what God has done, what God still is doing and that whatever happens in the future, that He will be the one I turn to. He will be the one I orientate my life around. He will be my protector. He will not abandon or desert me. He will be with me always, and that I am worth everything to Him. I want to thank Him publicly and pledge the rest of my life to serve and honour Him.

That’s why I am getting baptised.