After my Mum (pictured left with a younger me) passed away, we found her diary. Her diary was, in effect, her short term memory. Every year we would give her a diary or filofax refills at Christmas in order that she would have a diary to write things down.

I looked through her diary, and found that in the weeks and months before her death, Mum had written several times in big letters underlined, messages telling herself to remind me and my sister to make her funeral a happy one, a celebration, full of joy and happiness.

These appeared several times, including one in the week of her death.

She’d not written things like this in her diary before.

In hindsight, it seems almost like she knew that she was in her last days. She had always had great perception and a deep spirituality.

It was almost like now she sensed that her time was almost upon her. Continue Reading…

Having written about the serious asthma attack my Mum (pictured left with a 3 year-old me) had, and it’s consequences both for her and for our family, today I am moving on to something altogether more difficult, more painful.

Her death.

I have never written about this experience before. But now, 12 years on, inspired by a Twitter discussion with a friend about a part of my mother’s story and writing a series about her and her impact on my life, it’s time.

Death and grief is something we don’t like to talk about, yet ironically it’s one experience that pretty much all of us will have to go through at some point in our lives, probably more than once.

Having been through the grief of losing a close family member at a young age, I’ve always felt it’s important that I use what I experienced to serve and bless others who may have been through – or are actually going through – the same. There were tears writing this story, I can assure you – but tears of joy.

As C.S. Lewis says in the film ‘Shadowlands’ (one of my favourite and most moving films, a great film about grief, love, faith and suffering):

“The pain now, is part of the happiness then”

How true that is.

It all happened in April 2000. I was living at the time in a one room flat in Ewell. Mum had visited me the night before to drop off some medication for my epilepsy. To this day I still have no idea where she got it all from – as she left we gave each other one of the biggest, longest hugs ever, what turned out to be our final hug. In hindsight, there was definitely something bigger and deeper about this hug. I looked out the window and watched her go and try to find her car.

This was the last time I saw her alive.  Continue Reading…

Today I’m beginning a new series of posts which relate to key parts of the story of my late mother, it’s impact on my life and the lives of others, and the lessons I learned from it – all told through the lens of my experience. This series will culminate on Mother’s Day, when I post one of the poems she wrote at the height of her struggles.

You may think a story about my mother (pictured left) sounds, on paper, a self-indulgent and pointless endeavour. We all have mothers, and they all have stories.

However, the story of my mother is one that I can assure you, will both inspire and challenge you. It is a unique, powerful and uncomfortable story, but yet so encouraging.

My mother has an incredible story to tell, one which I am certain will prove inspirational to you. A significant part of this will cover my experiences of grief and lessons I have learned, which I hope can be an encouragement and support to you.

I hope this story blesses you as much as I feel blessed by being able to share it – and although there have been tears writing this series, believe me, they are tears of joy.

Mum was what you would call a ‘free spirit’. She was 5ft 2, highly intelligent, compassionate, loving, servant hearted, and a great laugh, someone who loved a good party. A regular churchgoer, she spoke fluent French and had before she had children been a French teacher.

By no means was she perfect, but she was a very unique woman.

Continue Reading…

Lent is upon us. It’s a time when we decide to give things up, to stop doing things, make a sacrifice for God. I’m giving up chocolate and chips, and limiting myself to one dvd a week for Lent.

So why do we give things up for Lent?

Do we do it because it’s ‘the thing to do’, or do we have a deeper motivation? This is the question I was confronted with in preparation for Lent. Giving up chocolate and chips is fine, but why am I doing this, what it’s purpose? What positive response does it lead to?

The reason we give up things for Lent is meant to be to deny ourselves, to prepare ourselves for Easter and the death and resurrection of Jesus. To make a small sacrifice in order to remember and connect with the huge sacrifice Jesus made for us.

But there’s more to Lent than simply giving things up. It’s also about taking positive action.

When we choose what we are going to do for Lent, there has to be some kind of purpose to it. We need to be thinking about positive action that we take.

That’s because Lent is not just about giving things up, but taking positive steps in our faith.  Making decisions not just to give things up, but to take positive action that may involve sacrifice and giving something up, but will ultimately help us grow in our relationship with God. Continue Reading…

Recently I posted an interpretation of Psalm 139, rewritten from my own experience, to include and be part of my own story. As if I was writing it from my own perspective right here, right now.

I thought it was such a great experience which drew me so close to God, made Him part of my story and me part of His. So I decided to do it again. I came to Psalm 25, another incredible Psalm.

Honestly, it is such an amazing experience – using words of scripture and intertwining it creatively with your own story.

I would recommend all of us to try this, especially with the Psalms. Although it can be difficult and even painful at times to be so honest and vulnerable, there is power in bearing your heart, in writing down your story. There is healing that can take place which can happen in few other ways. Continue Reading…

Romance. We all love it don’t we? This week was Valentine’s Day – which our consumer society has made a day about romance (I don’t say love, deliberately…if only it were a day about real love) – and there’s nothing like a great romantic story.

Many of us daydream about our own (it’s okay, you can admit it) – and when we’re fed such a diet of rom-coms and Hollywood endings, it’s very easy to get sucked into thinking this is normal.

But this romanticism isn’t something we apply simply to relationships.

It can be easy to over-romanticise every area of our lives – work, relationships, creativity, and of course the supernatural  – and these romantic films certainly encourage this view. It’s so easy, that we can do it without even realising.

For example, I could easily romanticise my writing and creativity.

The romantic in me would simply quit my job, finish my book and then sell it to a publisher. Then of course there’d be the happy ending to the story when it sold millions and millions of copies and was a roaring success.  Continue Reading…

Today we have another guest post, on an area that’s come up a lot on the blog in recent times, the issue of gender, and particularly our perceptions of women. It’s by Jo Royal, an Assistant Pastor and blogger from Basingstoke. She has a lot to say on the issue, let us know what you think…

————————————————————-

She’s a very strong woman!’

Last week, this statement cropped up in three separate conversations regarding different women.  Strong women.  And each time, I cringed.

I used to be a ‘strong’ woman.

I lifted weights at the gym regularly, practiced Judo weekly, and had a pretty good success rate with arm wrestling.

There’s nothing wrong with being a strong woman.

But, this wasn’t what they meant, was it?

No, the focus of their strength had nothing to do with their muscles, but their character.

What is a strong character? Continue Reading…

A fortnight ago, I was prayed for at the end of a leadership meeting.  As we prayed, a friend shared a word for me – to read Psalm 139. When I got home I read the Psalm and spent a lot of time reflecting and medidating on it. Below are the spontaneous reflections on this passage, straight from my heart.

It turned out that what came from inside of me was my own version of Psalm 139, written in the context and out of my own story, with my experiences, insecurities, thoughts and reflections. It was an amazing thing to do – and ultimately connected me more intimately with God, as well as giving more meaning to the original passage of scripture itself.

I would recommend any of you to try the same, and see what happens – and when you do, let whatever comes out, come out.

Don’t be afraid, and don’t have an edit or delete button.

Just let your soul speak.

Whatever it is, God already knows – and I’m certain the result will lead you deeper with Him than you were before, will open your eyes more to the God already present in your midst.

So here it is, my own version of Psalm 139 -  unedited: Continue Reading…

I was recently prayed for at church by some friends, some people from my church community. It was a time where God had really stripped me down and exposed me, and I was being brutally honest about where I was.

About my doubts.

About my fears.

About my insecurities.

I had never been quite so truthful in a prayer time at my church, and I had never felt so naked in church.

I felt completely exposed.

I sensed that God wanted me to go up before anyone else, and that He was stripping me down. I knew He could see me way below the surface, naked, so to speak – and that I could be completely safe being completely exposed with Him.

So, I went and got prayer.

When I got up the front, I silently prayed that God would send the right people to pray with me, the people He specifically wanted to pray with me. When they came, I was honest with those who prayed for me about all of the issues I spoke about, and more.

But then something happened which totally shocked me.  Continue Reading…

One thing I always want to do is explore and develop my writing and creative gift. One area that’s always fascinated me is the concept of parables – I’ve not really written much fiction in my time, but a good friend recently challenged me to spend more time on some parables and to share those with people, to try to grow in my faith and develop my written and creative gifts.

So over the next few months I hope to be sharing some parables I’ve created with you here. A good parable, for me, is a story which answers some questions and leaves us with more questions, which communicates truth in a way we can understand – I will share more on that topic in a future post.

In the meantime, enjoy my first attempts at a Parable. We begin with ‘The Parable of the Perfect Church Service’: Continue Reading…