Two Fuses Of Hope

DSC_0127For 20 years my heart has been angry. Day to day, I’ve been a calm, rational, sensible, grown up (sometimes more than others) like anyone else. I’ve grown. I’ve matured.

But underneath, I’ve been screaming. And much of the time, I was too deaf to hear my own subconscious.

When I was a kid things happened at home and outside of home which did me a lot of damage. Betrayal, mistrust, fear all became part of my soul. And the injustice at people who’d hurt me not being held accountable, being let off the hook  fuelled a bitterness and resentment in me.

It began as righteous anger. But it quickly got out of control. I grew up, but my anger didn’t. A 15 year old wanting to be heard but constantly ignored. Hurt, betrayed and bulled, with no resolution.

And he’s been angry ever since.

He doesn’t get much screen time now. I’ve grown up. I’ve matured. I moved on. For years, it’s barely surfaced. I could disconnect myself from it, and examine it rationally.

That said, those moments I did have weren’t good. They almost exclusively happened when I was on my own. For example, if something broke or got lost just before I went to bed, it would either cause an anxiety attack or unleash some anger, and my head would be pumped full of energy and adrenalin. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until that thing was fixed or found. Even if I didn’t get angry, the blood would still be pumping.

More recently, I’ve been confronting my demons. After 20 years, God suggested it was the right time to confront them rather than continuing to hide from them. I knew He was right, so I chose to go to that place – knowing it would lead to low moods, engaging with emotion I’d ignored for a long time, and take me to the darkest parts of myself. 

So anger and anxiety has become more prominent for a period, as have low moods, fear, frustration. And, I have to say, the occasional feelings of hope, excitement and optimism.

Hope & An X-Box

This, of course, brings me to my X-Box.pas12

The other night, it had been acting strange YouTube signing out by itself, Netflix on the blink. Nothing to worry about, just unusual.

But just before I went to bed, the power tripped. Everything turned off and on again. I heard a mini explosion, like a fuse blowing, and my X-Box went dead. I calmly went to turn it on, but it was dead.

This, would normally be my cue to get angry. Or feel anger. But something else happened.

I unplugged the X-Box, moved it to one side, and thought, matter-of-factly, “Oh well, it’s probably the fuse. I’ll go get a new fuse tomorrow, and if not I’ll take it in to get looked at. No problem”.

Then I stopped and noticed myself. What I was doing or feeling – and what I wasn’t doing or feeling.

There was no tension in my body. No raised voice. No anger, anxiety or stress. No emotion or adrenaline clouding my brain and keeping me awake. Nothing. Just peace. Calm. I was even kind of joking with myself, thinking it was kind of funny.

I remember thinking, “This is weird. Good weird”. I’d had a reaction previously alien to me. It was like I was someone I didn’t recognise. Someone I actually liked.

Inside I was feeling like “This is surprising, weird, but good. I like this reaction. I like didn’t know it could be like this. I like who I am when I’m like this. More of this please”.

For me, this was an outright miracle. A fuse blowing, but my fuse not blowing (and yes, the pun is totally intended. I like my puns.).

Now I’d love to say I’ve not been angry or anxious since, but that’s not the case. I’ve still had occasional moments. But there is a big difference now which is helping me deal with it better.


And sometimes, hope is all we have. All that keeps us from falling apart.

Hope is what holds the seams of our lives together when nothing else can. (you can tweet that). Hope gives us the possibility of a better tomorrow. We see it. We feel it. And we begin to believe. 

I’m still very broken. Still hurting. But now I have hope life can be better. I can be better. It’s small, but it’s just enough to sustain me.

So search desperately for hope. Look for it wherever you can. And when you find it, hold on to it like the precious jewel it is.

Are you with me?


Question For Reflection:

What are the signs of hope in your life?

Let me know the comments below.


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Picture Source: Mourgefile (used by permission)

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  1. Sylvia Lee on August 22, 2016 at 12:29 pm

    Thank you. This could be my story as well. Lately my health is evidence of the damage unresolved anger has done. I am determined, with God’s help, to rid myself of the anger, frustration, and resentment that have bubbled just under the surface.

    • James Prescott on August 23, 2016 at 8:42 am

      Hi Sylvia, thanks for your comment & encouragement. So glad the story resonated – keep going, keep moving forward, keep confronting what’s inside rather than numbing it, and you’ll get there.

  2. Mikaela D'Eigh on August 22, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Wow, James. Beautiful! Thanks for sharing this. I am still holding on to the anger in my life; hope that soon I will be in a place where I can confront my demons and move on. Keep writing ~ it’s beautiful and encouraging!

    • James Prescott on August 23, 2016 at 8:41 am

      Thanks Mikaela, appreciate your encouragement – just keep going, you’ll find signs of hope if you look for them. And I will keep writing for sure, I’m grateful for your support.

  3. Deanne Michelle Welsh on August 22, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    beautiful James! Reminds me so much of my own journey with the dragons/lies and my reactions and dealing with pain/hurt. Such a difficult journey to work through those deep things of the soul – but as we do, the space/light and freedom created are worth all the dredging through the mud. THANK YOU for giving us a glimpse. Your story gives hope.
    Yesterday I had the opportunity to share my missionary kid growing up on ships story with a friend. It has been a long time since I shared it in its entirety to a person, face to face. It was such a bittersweet experience – the wounds of my past continue to linger but there has been so much healing and I am in awe of how GOd has gently brought life and hope back to barren places.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

    • James Prescott on August 23, 2016 at 8:40 am

      Wow, thanks so much for this kind encoruagement Deanne. SO glad the post was helpful to you & gave you hope, that’s just so encouraging. Thanks for sharing a bit of your own story too – so glad those wounds are beginning to heal.

  4. Lucie on August 22, 2016 at 4:37 pm

    Very nice, James. I saw a lot of myself in this.

    • James Prescott on August 23, 2016 at 8:38 am

      Thanks Lucie, so glad it resonated with you.

  5. Diane Rapp on August 22, 2016 at 5:57 pm

    Sometimes there is just too much input for us. We are assaulted all day every day with information overload and lose track of the peace that God provides all around us. Unplugging is such a good idea! Sit out in the quiet of nature and fill yourself with beauty and joy. We did that before we carried a cell phone everywhere, so why not take a break each day and decompress?

    • James Prescott on August 23, 2016 at 8:38 am

      Absolutely Diane – totally agree. We’re in desperate need of unplugging.

  6. Scott Bury on August 22, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    That is a good sign. I hope to be able to reach that kind of thing one day.

  7. Anne Peterson on August 22, 2016 at 10:49 pm

    Great post James. I love it when we can see change in ourselves and as you did, ask for more. The signs for hope in my life is just what I know to be true, even though I grieve, I don’t grieve like those without hope. One day I will see my sweet little granddaughter again. That is hope.

    • James Prescott on August 23, 2016 at 8:37 am

      Thanks Anne, really appreciate your encouragement. And so great to hear about those signs of hope in your own life too…so beautiful. Thanks for sharing so honestly.

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