A lot has happened to me in my 35 years. If I were to go into too much depth it would be pages and pages of writing.
A mother who lost her short-term memory when I was 8, bullied at school, my Mum becoming depressed and alcoholic and constantly fighting with my Dad before they eventually they broke up. Losing Mum at the age of 23 and then seeing my Dad suffer with Parkinson’s and a second broken marriage.
It’s been painful. Ironically though it was all of this that pushed me closer to the God I was brought up to know, and who I have given my life to.
My pain has made me who I am. (Tweet that here)
Have you ever found that?
What experiences have shaped you the most?
For a lot of my life – even now, at times, I have been angry with God.
I see my peers – most of whom haven’t been through what I have – achieving success in their careers, having had the happy, stable, secure upbringing I didn’t have, and finding the loves of their lives. Living, in part, the story I want to be living.
So far, despite my genuine and best efforts, the doors don’t seem to open in quite the same way – which can fuel a real sense of injustice, like I’ve been treated unfairly.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know in comparison to most, I’m very very fortunate.
I am living in one of the richest countries in the world. I have a job, a home, great friends and family, people who care about me, freedom to express my faith, opportunities and gifts others would love to have and material possessions beyond many people’s dreams.
I’m thankful for all of that.
But when I’m angry, I’m blind to this. Anger does that to us, doesn’t it? It blinds us to the truth.
But even now this anger has lessened considerably, I have occasionally felt bitter, wanted to know why all the things that happened happened.
That’s often the question we ask when we suffer.
Why.
C.S.Lewis talked of suffering as a gift. Saying God makes us the gift of suffering because He loves us. I’m not sure whether God necessarily wants us to suffer, or that He causes it.
But I have begun to see my own small suffering (because in comparison to a lot of people it is small) as a gift.
Whilst my suffering has had a lot of negative consequences for me, it has also been a tremendous blessing.
Yes, I said that.
Source: pinwords.com via James on Pinterest
Hurt has given me perspective. It has shown me the realities of life. That it isn’t all idealisitic, romantic, easy and simple – as both our consumer society and even (or at times especially) the church can paint it out to be.
All of my experiences – both good and bad – have shaped me. All of them can be used for the good of others.
I can use the experiences of grief, alcoholism, bullying and living in a broken home – as well as my other experiences and lessons – to serve, bless and support others going through similar circumstances. It has given me – and my family – a healthier perspective on life, so I don’t take it, or myself, so seriously.
Above all, I’ve realised that I would never have reached the level of intimacy I have with God, had I not gone through this journey.
Including the hurt.
This has been my journey so far, and God has used it to shape me. (Tweet this here)
Being bullied and living in a broken home growing up pushed me into a relationship with God, and into finding a way to pray which whilst often rocky, is honest and fresh, and I love.
Losing my Mum pushed me into becoming more independent, finding my own identity, and ultimately becoming the man she always knew I was underneath.
I would never change any of that.
Some people say if they could turn the clock back they would get rid of all their suffering.
I’m not so sure I would.
There is a song which encapsulates this perfectly. ‘Hurt’, performed by Johnny Cash. Have a listen:
The last line sums it up doesn’t it?
“If I could start again…I would keep myself. I would find a way”. (Tweet this here)
I’m not entirely sure whether I’d love to live all of this again, or if I would choose it. But I wouldn’t want to change who I am now – because for all the pain I have been through, there has also been tremendous blessing.
Have another listen, and reflect on your own story.
Would you change anything?
Or has your story made you who you are?
Did you enjoy this post? Why not share it on Twitter? You can also subscribe for blog updates & get exclusive content by subscribing to my newsletter.
Related posts:
James Prescott
Latest posts by James Prescott (see all)
- From Freedom To Regeneration - January 1, 2019
- 3 Steps To Overcoming Mental Health Stigma (Guest Post by Zoe Thompson) - November 11, 2018
- Success & Wonder - September 9, 2018
Thanks for the FB comment. Have found a bit of time to read this now… Great post. 🙂 Here’s my response…
I grew up in a Christian family, gave my life to Jesus at 5, but my parents divorced when I was 7. If the support for and ministry to marriage in the church today was available then, I think they would have stayed together… But back then it was taboo to even say you had a problem with your marriage.
My Mum remarried just over a year later – on the rebound – to a man significantly younger than her. He wasn’t a Christian, turned out to be a real bully, and I grew up afraid of him.
I was molested by a virtual stranger while I was on holiday when I was 9, and had a repeat episode of this from a teenage lad a couple of years older than me when I was 13, again on holiday. I now know that on each occasion God protected me from further damage.
As an adult, I have watched my Mum’s second marriage fall completely apart, and supported her (and my younger siblings) during the mess & illness which surrounded that.
And nearly 7 years ago my wonderful husband went out on a mission trip to Kenya, and WENT home to be with Jesus, rather than taking the plane back ‘home’ to me. I have been left behind to bring up our 3 beautiful children by myself…
I know pain.
But I also know God. And I know His love.
It never fails.
Like I said earlier – if we don’t know pain, then we cannot know healing. If we don’t know despair, then we cannot know hope.
Sometimes pain happens because God is wanting to reveal something about Himself to us that we would not otherwise be able to understand. Being CHOSEN to walk a difficult path is a privilege. It’s a sign that God sees a greatness inside of us that we are unable to see for ourselves.
I am the person I am today because of the pain & hurt I have experienced… and also because of the healing that I have received (and am still receiving) from the heart of my heavenly Dad.
God is Sovereign, and my life is His (therefore not mine, so I don’t get to choose what happens!) and in His infinite GOODNESS (yes, goodness as well as wisdom!) He has written an incredible story for me that I would never have chosen for myself, yet I don’t think I would change if I could. After all, how can I – a mere mortal – tell Omniscience what is best? If He could have done things another way, an “easier” one, His love for me would have caused Him to wholeheartedly rush to make it so…
I can trust His faithful love.
My journey, and my pursuit of God through every day of it, has resulted in blessing for other people. It has given me a voice into the lives of others – and that is also a privilege.
I could write/say so much more than this… but I don’t want to block up your blog too much! 😉
Thanks for your comment Lizzie. It shows a lot of courage to share even the relatively little you have shared, and I am really grateful for your honesty and willingness to share. It’s clear you have been through a lot of suffering in your life, which has clearly shaped you – but the fact that you have been through that still trusting totally in God and not wanting to change it is an awesome thing – and even more so that it has clearly had a positive impact for others, much like my own journey has.
I would love to hear more of your story and if you’re comfortable with it and don’t want to share any more here, I’d really love for you to e-mail me as I’d love to hear your story in more detail – you can contact me at jamespressgang(at)hotmail(dot)com (sorry, had to write it in full) – you are also welcome to share more here as you consider appropriate.
Thanks again for your comment, your courage and your honesty.
Be blessed, James
Oh! Thank you! What a lovely thing to say. It would be an honour to share it more fully. We’re away for the weekend now, and as you know it takes a while to write stuff, so it’ll have to wait till next week…
Have a fabulous time at GB
Lizzie
Fantastic – look forward to hearing from you. Greenbelt has been excellent. 🙂 Hear from you soon.
James, great great post. Really enjoyed reading it. My dad died of Parkinson’s so I’m right there with you. Live, what would we, indeed be, without our pain?
Karen,
Thanks for your comment. Nice to hear from someone else who’s been through what I am with the Parkinson’s, means a lot. Totally with you – it’s the pain that makes us what we are.
Thanks again.