Sex, Lies & Worldviews (#MythOfNormal)
(Picture: Daniel Oines via Creative Commons)
I’ve talked recently about the myth of normal, how there is a story culture tells us of what a successful, happy, life really is. I’ve spoken about the importance of discovering our own identity and being the unique person we were created to be. And I’ve demonstrated how there are normal myths in each individual area of calling or profession.
But it doesn’t end there either. This myth of normal applies outside of the professional world too. It can come in different areas of our lives.
In some ways this is smaller, but in other ways it’s bigger. Because these are lifestyle choices. Not careers or callings, but habits, perspectives on life which impact how we live. And they are rooted in how we see the world.
Here’s a big example from our culture – sex.
This is a topic we all have an opinion about. Even if we’re not having sex, it’s all around us, all the time and our culture is obsessed by it. And each of us has to choose which story we’re going to follow when it comes to sex.
The general assumption now in our culture is that it’s okay to have sex before marriage, as long as you’re past the age of consent. When we see people are in relationships, it’s generally assumed they are having sex.
And this is the story the vast majority subscribe to when it comes to sex.
Of course, Christian faith has always advocated the view – which I hold – that sex is best when saved for marriage. And fortunately, we live in a culture where we’re free to make our own decisions about how we approach sexuality.
But both views of sex come from bigger stories. The Christian view says sex is a sacred, initmate act between two people, the ultimate place of vulnerability, and is better enjoyed within the context of the marriage covenant, of complete trust, honesty and commitment.
The secular view says we should be free to have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want, however we want, as long as it’s ethical, legal, consensual and doesn’t hurt anyone. It comes from the view that we make our own choices and we should be able to have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want, within the obvious boundaries of ethics, morality and law.
But going deeper, it actually comes from a view of the world which says it’s all about us.
Our enjoyment, our good, comes before anything else. And all the good things should be enjoyed now. Anything which restricts our decisions, or tells us to live in a way we’re not comfortable with, is limiting. We make our own decisions, and if it feels good and it’s legal and morally good, then we should be free to do it.
Which of course, is a worldview. The worldview which perpetuates throughout western culture, which people think is ‘normal’.
But hold on. Where did we get this from? Where did we read this? Who told us this?
Because people get asked this and say ‘well that’s just how it is’, but that’s not true. Just because there’s no holy texts, doesn’t mean that this isn’t a story which someone has decided is the best story for our culture.
We think we’re free. Each worldview has a view of ‘true freedom’, and each one thinks the opposing ones freedoms are actually boundaries – including the area of sex.
But are we?
When did we choose our worldview? Did we decide on our own? If so, when? (you can tweet that here)
If we think we did decide on our own, are we really sure?
Everyone has a worldview, and I’m not here to preach mine at anyone. But I know where I heard it first, and I know I’ve made a conscious, public, decision to follow it. And at it’s best, it impacts the way I see and interact with everything and everyone.
So what worldview do you follow? Why do you follow it? And where did it come from?
Because I can tell you now, it came from somewhere. You didn’t come up with it by yourself. Our culture does a good job of making us think we came up with our own worldview – but it’s a complete lie.
We need to examine our worldview, the story we currently live by. And we need to make a conscious, intentional choice about what values are important to us, and how we see the world, which will impact our lives moving forward.
Are you with me?
What’s your worldview?
Where did you hear it first – do you remember?
What would it be like to make a conscious decision about your worldview?
James, what does worldview mean?
Worldview is essentially the lens you view the world, the truth, the perspective by which you see everything else, which governs how you act, think and live. Christianity, for example, is a worldview. So is consumerism, secularism, atheism etc.
Thank you so much, James. I always wanted to know this. So I guess I have a Christian worldview.
Yes, I would definitely agree there – no problem, happy to be of help!
Glad to see someone talking about worldviews without such a wildly arrogant perspective. Well done, James
Thanks Chris, encouraged to hear it doesn’t sound arrogant.
I have to disagree with you on this one James. Allow me to play the other side here… I believe people can have a variant view on sexual freedom than yours and still be “other” people minded, as opposed to self-seeking or self-ish. Some times we must be willing to take the approach that what is best for me weighs more than what any text or tenet or social more can weigh… Otherwise we are not truly living and breathing authenticity. If we truly in our heart of hearts after much spiritual and even Christian contemplation and meditation, believe that something is acceptable… than who is anyone else to judge or to assume we are living a self-seeking life? Or that we are taking the view that regards our authenticity highly to the view of the world? And if you think about it… the holding fast to the view that sex should be reserved for marriage, and allowing that view to become a force in your world view as well as how you treat others… well, that belief is also self-serving, based on what you are saying… because it is what “you” believe and what serves you best (and of course in the Christian faith, it would serve everyone else better as well)… Just making a point that authenticity is the key ingredient… I am much more open in my views of what is “right” in this sense. Probably in the sense that you described… because it’s not always just about the other person… Otherwise, with this mentality a person could want something their partner does not… and in truly wanting to be “other” people minded, give in… while not really enjoying such an act… or whatever… It’s not just about the single act… it’s about the philosophy as well. But great post! Love that you go into these arenas!
Lisa Jey, thanks for your comment and for being so honest. The post wasn’t meant to be about sex – sex was really meant as a metaphor for the point that we all have a worldview and it comes from somewhere. But interesting to hear how it came across, will definitely bear in mind.
But on your points, I would say all those beliefs we have ‘in our heart’ come from somewhere too, even if it’s not a conscious choice. My choice about sex comes from my worldview, which is the Christian one. I will only date people with the same worldview as me, and have only done so, so we will always have the same approach to this.
My big point is we all have a worldview, a story we live by, and in each area of life there is a story we live by – including sex. And the big story we live by impacts those smaller areas, like sex. My worldview impacts my view of sex for example, and so does the opposing one. Though I admit there are some people with the Christian worldview who disagree with me on sex, so it’s not quite an exact science. But I think it’s common.
Good discussion, thanks for sharing!
James… ahhhh… but you are assuming that someone who is Christian will have all of your same views…. I get it. I’ve been in relationship where our views were based in the same beliefs… so the natural inclination is to think it would be simple. It’s not always… LOL. BUT – that is a totally different point, and yes – I understand your point and it is very well taken. We all bring to the table our views from the fabric of our lives. There is no easy way to detach ourselves from that when making our decisions.
Wonderful post James! I also believe that sex is a beautiful, sacred act which should be reserved for the most important relationships! Thank you for sharing that!
Thanks Luann, totally agree! 🙂
I’m actually more concerned with the nature of pop-culture the premise that a woman’s success is judged by her sexuality (think Miley Cyrus’s recent behavior). I’m of the majority that two consenting adults can do what they wish, but I despise that people feel their sexuality is what determines their place in society – over brains, accomplishments and overall self esteem.
I agree with you that sexuality shouldn’t define our place in the world, it’s just become too important, and completely distorted. Thanks for your comment.
Great post James, and I completely agree with you. I did a post on my own blog entitled ‘Are You Weird of Normal’, speaking against the idea that we should strive to fit in and be ‘normal’, when actually this is a lie and what being ‘weird’ boils down to is being yourself and stepping out of the crowd. My world-view is that God made us all unique, with unique gifts and we should be who God made us to be, not try and fit into a mould forced upon us by the world. This is a world-view I’ve come to understand through getting to know Jesus, and it’s been a wonderful journey of coming to accept who I am as a person. I realised that, when people in the past have labelled me ‘weird’, it’s not because there’s something wrong with me, but simply because I’m different and not afraid to be. If everyone was brave enough to be weird, no one would be weird ever again.
Your post sounds interesting Andrew – I totally agree with you on the worldview. We’re all unique, all weird in our own way. Thanks for the comment.
Great post and thanks for taking on such a bold topic.
Thanks for your encouragement Tara – appreciate it.
Great post, James. I agree. We need to be aware of how our culture shapes our thinking, especially because multi-million dollar industries, such as film, have tremendous influence (Like being a sex-obsessed society, for instance).
Thanks Elise, glad you agree – it’s so important to be aware of our culture shapes our thinking for sure. Great comment.
Powerful.
Thanks La 🙂
This is a valuable and powerful post, James. I wasn’t totally sure at first where your thoughts were taking you, probably because I both agree and disagree a bit too. Not all Christians have had their ideas about sexuality and its expression solely influenced by the tenets of their faith. Much depends on when they began having sexual relationships and when they came to faith. I have a Christian worldview, but I also have the perspective of an abused child from a non-Christian family and a chronically ill person with expectations laid on me as a ‘good wife’ which I struggle to fulfil.
A few months ago I wrote a draft blog post on the topic of ‘sex and sickness’ but haven’t yet found the optimal moment (or courage?) to publish it. This area can be far from straightforward for folk like me! As to your questions:my worldview has been shaped by early childhood conditioning and societal expectations as well as by my Christian faith. I try to make “a conscious, public decision” to follow the teachings of my faith, but they are held in tension with other things that have impacted and affected me at a deep level too. Much to ponder here. Thank you for opening up this discussion.
This is my point Joy – we all have unique stories which shape us, all of us are our own person with our own story. But at the same time, we do have a worldview – and this worldview is usually shaped by external forces – including experiences. But my point was really to open up this discussion – and to see where our worldviews really come from. And indeed, what really shapes our theology. Think this ‘Myth of Normal’ concept has far to go yet…. Thanks for sharing this comment Joy, always good to hear your thoughts. 🙂
Indeed we do, James. There is no carbon-copy indentikit Christian or person either, for that matter. This may be a series that could run for some time! Thank you for opening up a forum for discussion. 🙂
Completely agree Joy – and yes, this series has more to run yet. Indeed, I am currently making plans for a book expanding this whole ‘Myth of Normal’ concept in much more detail. Thanks 🙂
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My worldview says that the universe is wide and wonderful and amazing, and everything and everyone in it is profoundly holy. In that scheme, indeed, if it’s ethical, legal, consensual, and doesn’t hurt anyone (conditions 3 and 4 being rather subsumed by condition 1), then I think any and every kind of sex is just fine.
When did I first learn of this worldview? I was walking home one night, and I looked up at the stars and it sort of all came slamming home, that the stars and I were part of the same system, that my being in the world changed the universe, that it was just as true of everyone else as it was for me. I would later find similar sentiments echoed elsewhere, but that was my introduction: me and the stars, and time alone in my head.
I make conscious decisions about my worldview every day. I have to ask myself, is such-and-such consistent with the other things I know and think are right? Are there good arguments for changing aspects of my worldview? If this is what I believe, does the way I’m acting make sense, and if not, is it better to change what I believe, or how I act? It was hard when I was nineteen, but it’s a process that got easier over time. Now it’s virtually a reflex. Drives some folks up the wall, but I find that it has vastly increased my enjoyment of life, and people, and everything.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts Cat – really thought provoking and showing great self-insight. This post was less about sex, than about where our worldview comes from, and you share very openly and intellgently about yours. Really appreciate your comment, thanks.
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Hi James, I came across your blog today and liked it so I decided to follow you.
As for deciphering where one’s worldview comes from I’d say it’s as hard as realizing how
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