A fortnight ago, I was prayed for at the end of a leadership meeting.  As we prayed, a friend shared a word for me – to read Psalm 139. When I got home I read the Psalm and spent a lot of time reflecting and medidating on it. Below are the spontaneous reflections on this passage, straight from my heart.

It turned out that what came from inside of me was my own version of Psalm 139, written in the context and out of my own story, with my experiences, insecurities, thoughts and reflections. It was an amazing thing to do – and ultimately connected me more intimately with God, as well as giving more meaning to the original passage of scripture itself.

I would recommend any of you to try the same, and see what happens – and when you do, let whatever comes out, come out.

Don’t be afraid, and don’t have an edit or delete button.

Just let your soul speak.

Whatever it is, God already knows – and I’m certain the result will lead you deeper with Him than you were before, will open your eyes more to the God already present in your midst.

So here it is, my own version of Psalm 139 –  unedited:

I am so in awe of you God. I love how you know me inside out, upside down, back to front, broken, battered and naked.

You have searched and seen my soul, my heart, the truth of my being – before I even knew it myself. Before I even speak, before I write a word, you know what is coming out.

You know the early mornings when I rise to go to work, when I want to lie in but know I must go out, you know the nights I go out and nights I am in, all the things I do you know intimately Lord.

I sometimes think I can escape from you, that somehow I can escape from you. That criticising you, shouting at you, disobeying you, will somehow push you away – but even in the depths of the darkness, in the times when my deepest fears overcome me, when it is 3am and I’m still awake, you are always there.

The day I got the phone call telling me my mum had died, you were there.

You were the strength that sustained me through my grief.

In the days where the bullies overcame me and I felt totally alone and abandoned, you were there. In the times when I was ill in hospital, you were there.

In the days where rage, bitterness, resentment have consumed me, you are there. When I feel lonely and abandoned, you are there. There is nowhere I can flee from you, nothing that can make you abandon or give up on me.

I closed my ears and put earplugs in to stop myself hearing you, but you merely told me to take them out and not be afraid. You said I must forgive those bullies I still hate, forgive those who taunted and teased me that I still bear anger towards, and above all, that I must trust you.

You told me you are not a tyrant. You are not a big bully simply seeking amusement and finding it in taunting me.

You made me. You imagined me before I was even born, whilst I was still a seed, you knew me intimately. You designed every part of me, before I was even conceived, you knew me better than anyone can or ever will. All the days of my life were written before I even entered the world – you know the day I was conceived, the day I was born and the day I will die.

They were all written in your book before time itself.

Your plans for me will not fail. They cannot fail. Even what I deem failures in my life, the mistakes, the let downs, you have already seen and planned for. Nothing in my life surprises you at all, and it never will.

You love me deeply, unconditionally and infinitely. Nothing can separate me from your love, your grace and your Father’s heart.

Now Lord, search me and know my heart. Know it all.Test me and know all my anxieties, fears and doubts.

See if there is any offensive way in me – and then lead me in your way.

Now, and for eternity.

 

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