The Secret Truth About Success
Success. It’s a word many of us are familiar with. But a word which has the power to make us all feel worthless. There is a definition, a story, of what ‘success’ means in every area of life.
For me, there was a story about what success as a writer was. Selling lots of books. Getting tens of thousands of subscribers. Getting a book deal. Being an internationally renowned speaker and thought-leader.
I did courses which seduced me with promises of what I could achieve. Who I could be.
And more down to my own desperation for attention and status, I placed ridiculous expectations on these courses. I thought if I followed the exact steps others had, then I would get exactly the same result.
So, of course, when I didn’t, I felt a failure. I felt worthless, useless.
Life felt unfair. I wanted to give up.
And because of the way our culture defines success, and the reality that almost none of us ever quite fit this model, it’s easy to feel a failure. When the truth is somewhat different.
Our consumer, secular culture defines success very simply:
Wealth. Health. Status. Relationship. Family.
Of course, we all know life doesn’t work out this way. And when our circumstances remind of this, as happened to me in relation to writing, it can get us down. We feel useless, worthless and without purpose or meaning.
Is it any wonder clinical depression is at an all-time high?
The Comforting Truth
But having three months away from the public blogging arena, rediscovering my identity and my purpose, I’ve learned two important lessons:
1) We get to define what our success is.
2) Our identity and security should never be tied to our success.
Let’s unpack this. And we’ll begin with a proper, Oxford Dictionary definition of what success means:
Success: The achievement of an aim or purpose
So in actual fact, success, as it was originally defined, has nothing to do with wealth, status, popularity, stats or fame. Nothing.
Success is when we achieve a goal we’ve set for ourselves. Which means we get to define what success means for us. (tweet that here)
Not culture. Not advertisers. Not the media. Not other people.
Us.
If we feel a failure, it’s only because we’ve decided what success must mean for us in specific areas or life overall, and not achieved these goals. Because we’ve bought into an idea of what success is, assumed this is the only way we can define ourselves as a success, and not met this standard.
And often, this definition of success is so big there’s no chance we can ever accomplish it. We give up before we’ve begun because our definition of what success means to us is so huge.
This is exactly what I did. I expected to instantly become a worldwide publishing sensation. No wonder I felt like a failure.
I had to redefine what success meant for me, if I was ever to grow.
The other thing I had to realise was that whatever my definition of success, that my identity and security doesn’t come from whether I succeed or not. It’s not tied into that. Whether I succeed or fail, I still have infinite worth and value.
And that’s true for us all.
So now, success for me looks like this:
If I write the book I wanted to write, in the way I wanted to write it, I’m a success. If I publish a book I’ve written, I’m a success. If one person’s life is changed by a blog post, I’m a success. If my book gets read by one person other than me, I’m a success.
And that’s it.
But if I fail to even achieve this success, it doesn’t change anything. I’ll keep writing. Because my identity, my value doesn’t come from success or achievement. It comes from knowing whatever happens, I have value. And that I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.
So to end, here’s two tips to help you understand success:
1) Redefine what success means to you, and be realistic
If you’re a writer, don’t set success as selling a million books. If you’re a businessman, don’t define success as making a billion dollars. Be realisitic for where you are. Be positive, yes. Be ambitious, of course. But be realistic.
2) Don’t put your security in success or tie it to your identity.
Understand the fundamental truth that you have infinite value and worth now. You had it when you were born. And whatever happens, whatever you achieve or don’t achieve in life, you will always have this value. Always.
We are all going to fail at some point. But ultimately, if we realise we already have value whether we succeed or fail, then failure won’t ever be the end. It will be the beginning. And if and when we fail, with this attitude it won’t destroy us. It will empower us.
If you can follow these two simple principles, then you’ll be on the right track. And you’ll understand the most important truth about success
You’re never a failure.
Questions for Reflection:
How often have you felt like a failure, compared to how often have you’ve felt a success?
How and why have you defined what constitutes success and failure in your life? Was this healthy?
What does a more healthy definition of success look like for you?
Is your identity and security tied to your ‘success’?
Let me know in the comments below!
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Whatever we do we should do it because we enjoy it…that is all…if something comes of it then great…if not then fine. I have seen too many people become enbittered and resentful when they have not had the success they thought they should have.
I agree we should not do anything out of a sense of entitlement, or expect ‘success’ at all. We need to find the joy in the work. Great comment Dr Alton-Cooper. 🙂
Good post James. My nephew encouraged me to write out what success would look like for book I just launched. May I just tell you it was important that I did this. I did not want to ride the emotional roller coaster that I rode when launching my first book. So, I sat down and wrote up a list of about eight identifiers. I will be a success: knowing my book encouraged one person. etc. Yes, I included a couple of variables that did reflect numbers, but not a million, not even a thousand. But a hundred. I’d like to see Broken sell 200 copies. The interesting one Drew had me include was that I would be successful if I only visited Amazon about two times a day. He knew no matter what I wrote that the temptation would be great to use the ranking as my only measuring tool.
I was blessed yesterday when I went to church. Unbeknownst to be a woman had bought my book. She was waiting to talk to me and she told me how it impacted me. James, it was really humbling. I need to remember if God is the one giving us the content of our books, once we’ve followed through and done whatever it is He wants us to do, the results are His. Being a controlling personality, that was hard. I always want to jump in there.
We feel like failures when we don’t meet expectations we set. The problem is in our setting of those expectations. I’m sure your post today will resonate with many.
Wow, that’s an awesome story Anne and a great comment. Some real wisdom in there, about defining success for your book even in small ways, in things you do or don’t do as well as external factors. Thanks for this wise comment & for your encouragement Anne, appreciate it.
James – it seems we’ve been sharing brains recently – well, I am likely sharing yours. I had gone through many of the same things with my blog – its purpose, direction ultimate goal etc and why? For all the wrong reasons – I will be writing about that soon. While I did not take any classes, I do read many, too many perhaps, “How to make you blog successful” blogs and I got bogged down with all the same minutia of how THEY define success and when I was not getting the results THEY said I should I became frustrated and confused and, yeah I think maybe even a bit depressed. Glad you posted this – and I am equally glad I read it. The truth is, I already know all the things you wrote – but it is always good to hear the truth from other trusted sources. Good luck as you re-embark on your blog.
Wow, thanks Michael. So glad the post resonated with you, and reassuring to know I’m not alone in my experiences too. I think it’s important for all of us – especially as creative people – to go through the process we’ve gone through. Encouraging to know I’m not alone and that this is really helping others. Look forward to hearing your thoughts on the process!
Defining success is a necessity. Years ago I thought success was me getting to the top of the business heap and then, one day, one of my train commuter friends made a comment that got me to thinking. Her husband left for work at 5:30am and got home at 9:30pm M-F with a Saturday spent schmoozing clients and on Sunday it was his day to relax and enjoy the golf course. She left for work at 7am, got off the train at 5:45pm and did either window shopping until 8pm OR she did some volunteer work. When she got home, the nanny had fed the kids, got them bathed, homework done and was getting the off to bed. Her comment was: “I envy the close relationship you have with your sons. My husband and I can’t get our kids to talk to us.” I was dumbstruck. Six months later I’d taken a job elsewhere and had more time to indulge with boys, being a part of their life. For me, I discovered success was my family and me. My sons are grown and I consider myself a success. While waiting for my son to finish dealing w/ a male customer, the gentleman and I got into a conversation about kids today, etc. He finally nodded to my son and said “This young man’s parents should be proud of him. He talks intelligently with older adults and goes the extra mile to help. They raised him properly.” The man never knew he was my son but I was proud. As a writer, I feel I am a success – maybe not as big as I’d dreamed but I have sold books. I know in the future, maybe my name won’t be on everyone’s lips but I know I raised 4 good sons and written some pretty good stuff. I have grandchildren, the values I taught my sons has been passed. For me, success has meant being remembered or doing something that will be remembered. I am successful.
Bob, this is a phenomenal story. Just wonderful, and really moving. Thanks for sharing this with us. Really glad the post spoke to you.
Wise words. For me, I feel success when just one reader enjoys what I’ve written, having faith that God will use the works of my hands for His purpose, not mine.
Thanks for the encouragement Tara. I hope I can finally come to a place where I can take joy simply from one person benefitting from my writing, as you have. Great wisdom here.
Boy, this is such an easy trap to fall into. As I near launching a book, I need to definitely set down some firm goals to define my success. Otherwise, I will look to others’ results and define myself in comparison to them. This is a strong reminder for me to set my own parameters for success, in order to protect my soul.
Yes, definitely Chris. I think most of us can fall into this trap at some point. Really glad the post resonated with you & was helpful. Awesome.
Well done James. Even in the first few lines of this post I knew where you were headed, and had my definition of success in mind “Completion of the projects near and dear to my heart to share with the world”! And haven’t we all been there? Sucked into some sales pitch promising a specific type of success or somewhere close to that? It’s okay. We’re getting smarter about it daily… and it makes us more layered and interesting for the experience!
Thanks Lisa Jey – so cool how you got this post from very early on, and awesome to hear your own definition of success. Really clear the post resonated, and how you’ve got a real strategy and definition of what success looks like in your life, which is brilliant. Thanks for commenting, so encouraging!
Pfff! Those courses don’t got NOTHING on you James. You already ARE a success! 🙂
Thanks so much Ms. Cheevious – awesome encouragement! 🙂
I hear you James, but I get tired of hearing “what a success I am” and that I need to re-gauge my criteria for success. I know I’ve published 4 books, I know I do so much on social media and I know that’s great stuff and a wonderful accomplishment. But I want to do this full time. We’re taught that if we work hard at something, we can achieve success. My success is ascertained, to me personally at the moment, if I can make a living at this. Right now, I’m woefully unable to claim that ability. I guess I do need to look at this differently, but I’ll admit, I have a hard time of it.
I hear you Elyse, I really do. I’ve been in this place myself. My dream is still to write full time and make a living out of this, but I’ve also come to a place where I can say my goals are bigger, yet more simple than this – to realise my potential as a writer, to write the books I’m capable of, to make a difference to others lives in a positive way.
I will keep working towards writing full time, but if I don’t achieve that then, although I will be disappointed, I won’t consider myself a failure. For me now, real failure is if my writing makes no difference in the world. If I don’t publish a book. If I don’t realise my potential in terms of developing my gift. I hope you are able to come to that place too. For me, you’re a success Elyse. And whether you end up doing this full time or not, you’re already a success.