10 Things To Know About Bisexuality (Guest Post by Liz Mallory)
Today we continue the series on LGBT & faith. We’ll conclude next week with a personal story, but today, we have a guest post from Liz Mallory, who I guest posted for last week. She’s a Christian, a great writer, a married woman, and a bisexual.
Bisexuality is rarely talked about in context of faith – and today Liz bravely dispels some common myths surrounding bisexuality & bisexuals.
I’m delighted to welcome Liz here.
I am a woman. I’m attracted to women, men, and genderqueer individuals. I’m married to a man whom I love dearly. And I’m a Jesus follower.
I’ve known for years my attractions weren’t “normal.” But it took me until 2014 to have a name for what I am: bisexual.
Bisexuals are called a lot of things we aren’t: polyamorous, loose, unfaithful, sex-obsessed, questioning, slutty. None of those things describe who I am. For a long time I went back and forth between calling myself lesbian and straight. Neither fit right.
All this could have been avoided if I’d known what bisexual actually means.
The myths about bisexuals are pervasive. People who know me best react with fear and confusion when they find out I’m bi, thinking I’m going to cheat on my husband or run through the streets naked. I want to clear this up.
10 Truths About Bisexuals:
We’re not gay. Gay folks don’t love the opposite sex; I do. There’s this idea that bisexuality is a foot-in-the-door for eventually coming out gay. But I love my husband as much as I loved my best friend in high school. My lesbian friends, on the other hand, have zero attraction to men. When I point out Chris Evans’ chiseled abs, they don’t care.
We’re not straight. My same-sex attractions aren’t a fad. I’m not forcing feelings for women so I can be cool. Being attracted to your own gender is confusing, shameful-feeling, and ostracizing in today’s society. I fell for the women I did because they were amazing, beautiful, funny, smart, and my type: the same reasons I fell for the men I dated.
We are monogamous. I’m not interested in having a relationship with anyone other than my spouse. I’m not incomplete or unfulfilled with him. Bisexuals aren’t greedy or discontented people. There are more people in the world we could potentially fall in love with, but that doesn’t mean we’ll fall in love with all of them.
Loving one person doesn’t make me gay/straight. Being with my husband for the rest of our lives doesn’t mean I’m straight. In the same way that a straight woman will still experience attraction to other men, I continue to notice attractive men and women around me. Marriage is a daily choice to be with one person. I will remain bisexual the rest of my life, but I won’t act on those other attractions.
We can be religious. There’s a whole portion of the church who believes, as James and I do, that same-sex attraction and monogamous same-sex relationships are beautiful, acceptable, and godly. God made me bi and loves me for it. Some queers believe God calls them to be celibate. Either way, our sexuality doesn’t deter us from acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with Jesus.
Coming out is still important. Even though I’m in a straight relationship, coming out was still important for me. It tells people that I’m not disgusted or put off by queers as some Christians are, but rather that I relate. It tells people to be careful how they talk about queers in front of me, so that you won’t accidentally offend me. It shows people what being bi actually looks like, something I needed growing up. It also explains why I care about LGBTQ issues: this is personal for me.
Gay and straight love is the same. When I first fell in love with a woman, I was confused. Growing up in a Christian home, I’d been taught that such feelings were twisted and evil. But falling in love felt exactly the same as when I’d had a major crush on a guy the year before. I noticed every tic, memorized every word, knew every line of their face. Their laughter played in my head like a song on repeat, and I did anything to be around them. Love feels the same no matter who you fall for.
Sexual activity doesn’t define your orientation. If a person chooses celibacy, or chooses a celibate profession like priesthood, they don’t cease to be a sexual being or feel attractions to others. Your behavior and your orientation can be different. Consequently, you can never tell someone what their orientation is. Only they can tell you who they have feelings for. I’ve never kissed a girl, but that doesn’t make me any less bi. In the same vein, you can be with someone they’re not attracted to. People point to male-male rape statistics as a sign that gays are messed up, but rapists aren’t interested in love, attraction, and romance. Rape is about power. Many such rapists are actually straight.
Bisexuals are ostracized by both sides. Many straight people see bisexuals as queer sex addicts. Some gays see us as not queer enough. Straight people don’t like dating someone who’s dated their own gender, and queers don’t like dating someone who’s dated another gender. Our significant others sometimes worry that they won’t be enough for us. We also face bi-erasure: bisexual people are labeled as gay or straight depending on who they’re with, and bisexual characters in books and movies are passed off as “uncertain.” Being bi can be a very isolating experience, and it’s nice when we’re accepted as who we are. (you can tweet that)
Being my friend doesn’t make me assume you agree with me. If you don’t agree with me about sexuality and the Bible, then loving me and treating me normally isn’t going to make me think you agree. It WILL raise my respect for you. If you can be my friend and not let our agreeing-to-disagree bog you down, you’re one stellar human being, and someone I want to spend my time with.
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Elizabeth Mallory is a writer, editor, and avid reader. Most days she drinks copious amounts of tea, snuggles her cat, and enjoys the ocean view of her home office while pretending to do work.
You can read more of her work at elizmallory.com and follower her on Twitter at @Eliz_Mallory.
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Images: elizmallory.com.
This is a fabulous post Liz, honoured to host you here. Thanks for sharing this and dispelling a lot of myths many have about bisexuality – we need more education on this and other areas, and this is a really helpful post. Thanks again Liz.
Thank you so much for hosting me! It’s an honor 🙂
This was quite enlightening – not that the facts about being straight, gay or bi were that surprising or new to me, but the idea that someone can hold these ideas so clearly within the Church. Thanks for bringing this to us, James! And thank you for writing this, Liz.
Thank you, Scott! Means a lot to me to hear that.
A very enlightening and interesting post. I thought I understood bi-sexuals but this definitely put a new light on the subject. Although I am confused by the sentence “I’ve never kissed a girl.” Does that mean ‘admiring’ the same sex without any sexual encounter make you bi? Thanks for sharing.
Good question. I think admiration and attraction are very different things. A close platonic relationship and a close romantic one feel very different and evoke different thoughts, emotions, responses, and behaviors. You know when you’re attracted to someone or falling in love, even if your crush is a secret and you’ve never held their hand. It doesn’t make your attraction any less real if you don’t act on it.
As one believer to another, thanks for opening your heart and sharing. I don’t know if I could ever be so brave.
Thanks Tamie! After years of silence, I finally came out publicly on my blog. Being honest and authentic was actually a huge relief 🙂 Haters gonna hate, but that’s just life. I guess bravery is knowing God will be there with you every step of your journey.
Very interesting points I wouldn’t have ever thought of! Great post Liz!
Thanks for writing this, Liz, and for being so vulnerable online. I think the last point is key for me. I know quite a few Christians who believe that queers assume the opposite: that if the non-affirming Christian doesn’t reprimand or openly condemn the queer person’s sexuality, then the queer is going to assume that the Christian actually agrees and condones it. Therefore, some non-affirming Christians think, I MUST speak out against the queer’s sexuality. (I hope that makes sense.) I’ve heard versions of this in conservative churches throughout the years.
But I think you’re right. Just because I’m friends with someone doesn’t mean we agree on everything 100%. (I’d never have any friends if that were the case!) Being friends means having respect and love and often, agreeing to disagree.
thanks for this post I’ve never commented on something like this before but i feel the need to say thank you because I’ve never admitted to myself that i’m bi and i knew since i was fourteen now i’m twenty and have been married to my husband ever since i was fifteen….it’s hard for other people to understand that i want them to know i’m bisexual and i still love my husband with all i am …they don’t understand because i’m already married.Even though we are in a straight relationship its important to feel accepted as that….and like you said i neither have kissed a girl but you can be very sure you are bi.
I’m so glad this was helpful for you! I totally understand–you want people to know, but you don’t want them to misunderstand like so many people do! I hope you find a place in life where you can exist comfortably and authentically 🙂