Lost & Found : How I Lost A Parent & Found My Faith
I’ve found myself at a major crossroads recently. I love Jesus. I love our church community. I’m rediscovering the Bible. I’m finding myself experiencing the spirit of God in a much deeper way.
And yet, I find myself shifting away from the evangelical church. I am less able to experience God or connect with Him in the ways I have in the past.
I used to believe in a God of certainty. Now I believe in a God of mystery.
And why? Because of the darkest day of my life.
You see, for a long time, I was what gets labelled now as a traditional, evangelical Christian. I was brought up in a methodist church, and discovered the more charismatic evangelical church at university. And at the time it seemed progressive.
New. Fresh. Alive.
And I loved it. I experienced the power of the spirit. I prayed in tongues. I fell over. I prayed for others and they fell over. I worshipped with my hands in the air, and found deep intimacy with the divine.
I never questioned my beliefs or the theology around them. I’d been brought up at church to believe certain things, assumed certain things because everyone else believed them, and listened to who I was told were good preachers. There was never any doubting or questioning from anyone. A God of certainty.
But then my Mum died. And this, in hindsight, changed everything.
I’ve now come to see how our real life changing moments are the ‘traumatic’ events – circumstances or experiences which shake us out of our current reality, with no way of going back to how things were. (you can tweet that)
And Mum dying was certainly one of those.
Suddenly, the concept of God I had, the God I had been in relationship with, wasn’t big enough for me. All the certainty was gone. And none of the cheesy worship songs felt in touch with reality anymore. I had questions and doubts. I needed a God bigger than the one I was being told about at church.
I needed an authentic God who I could have real conversations with. A God not trapped in an idealised fantasy about the world, but fully participating, aware and concerned about the real, messy and painful world I and others were part of.
I couldn’t find any answers or any safe space to explore this. For years.
And then I came across the book ‘Velvet Elvis’.
Opening Our Eyes
‘Velvet Elvis’, by Rob Bell, spoke about doubt. It spoke about questioning God. It spoke about a God who was big enough for the difficult conversations I wanted to have about faith. I read the book in one sitting, in two hours – which I’ve not done with any book before or since. As I read, I began to see, at last, that I was not alone in my journey.
Around the time I read this book I found a church where questioning was welcome. Where I could be vulnerable and honest about the faith I was exploring. Where I could explore questions and doubts freely. It was home, from day one.
And now, 10 years later, I’m still there. I’m still growing. I’ve not stopped moving forward.
Ironically, I’m at a point now where I’m learning as much about God from psychology and science as I am from scripture. I’ve been learning how concepts like minimalism, vulnerability, astro physics, and the science of consciousness – spiral dynamics – are all simply dimensions of spirituality.
And the interesting thing is, I’ve found that the more I am learning about all these subjects, the more I’m finding myself drawn back to scripture. But now with a wider and deeper perspective.
Above all, I’ve been learning how to see the divine in all things. Exploring a more integrated, non-dual, interconnected spirituality, which is about reconciliation, not one side against another.
This process has, without doubt, broadened my view of God, and deepened my faith.
I’m discovering a deeper, bigger, non-dual spirituality, which has Jesus as its beating, living heart.
From a place of brokenness and grief, Jesus has found a way to be resurrected in my life. Resurrected in a bigger and deeper way than I ever could have imagined.
Do you have questions & doubts about your faith? Has some traumatic experience made you question it all? Are you questioning what church is, what you believe or whether you even believe at all, and afraid to express this to anyone?
If so, you are not alone.
It’s OK to feel that way. Many of us do. And you should have no fear expressing that.
If you do, share what you really feel below. Get it out. Write it all out. Pray it. Look for online communities where you can be honest about it.
You don’t have to do it alone.
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You can explore the story of someone else who’s walked this path, Sarah Bessey, in her new book ‘Out Of Sorts: Making Peace With An Evolving Faith’, which releases tomorrow (3rd November) in the US/Canada & is out in the UK now!
‘Out Of Sorts’ is an honest, challenging, and vulnerable book, and has been an incredible encouragement to me – and I know it will be for you.
Sarah will be on my podcast ‘James Talks’ later this month talking about the book and much much more.
You can buy ‘Out Of Sorts’ here (US/Canada), and UK readers can order it here.
Do check it out – I honestly couldn’t recommend this book more.
Have a great day,
J.
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Question for Reflection:
If you’re honest with yourself, where are you on your faith journey – and do you feel alone?
Share your story in the comments below
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Check out my podcast ‘James Talks’ on either iTunes or on Podbean.
(Subscribe & leave nice reviews if you’d like!)
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(Picture sources: thenortherncompass.co.uk / Sarah Bessey)
Love this post, James. I’ve made a similar journey after a traumatic experience within the “traditional” church. I’ll be checking out Sarah’s book.
Thanks Tamie, glad you loved the post and so glad it resonated. You’ll LOVE Sarah’s book!
What an insightful post, James, so much depth and honesty here. Thank you and glad ot be on the journey with you.
Thank you so much Sarah, this comment means so much to me – really glad you liked it. And honoured to be on the journey with you too.
I have always thought that faith isn’t faith unless you arrive at it through questioning. If you cannot question your faith, or worse, if others won’t let you, it’s not really faith – it’s fear. Thanks for sharing this.
You’re welcome Scott – and I totally agree, faith isn’t faith unless you arrive at it through questioning.
Hey, the Evangelical church isn’t the only traditional one! Having said that, it;s very dominaent at present, since certainty is something our culture doesn’t give us – esp. since ‘9/11’ but even before. Fundamentalism is present in all religious groups at present. BUt the good news is, it’s only a doorway. ‘Evangelicalism is for kids, spirituality is for grown-ups’ may sound crass, but it broadly describes the process of waking up to the possibilities of spiritual growth and a wider understanding of many things. It lays to rest the ‘science/religion’ debate. and much besides. Welcome to the searching, God-loving world where God’s love is something for inquiring minds and thinking people. GLasd you turned this way rather than the ‘lost my faith’ way.
Thanks for this comment, so appreciate it – and I agree, the evangelical church isn’t the only traditional one!
I find that times of stress and pain are eased by the comfort of God. I remember a really terrible time in my life and going to church got me through it all. We can all open our hearts and let God fill them even without being in church. I love sitting quietly in nature and filling my soul with His beautiful creations, too.
I completely agree Diane. Great comment.
Beautiful brave examination of your faith journey, James. I could especially relate to these lines:”I’m discovering a deeper, bigger, non-dual spirituality, which has Jesus as it’s beating, living heart.” Amen, friend! May you grow ever closer to knowing Jesus and watch your insights expand with the journey. Bless you.
Hi Joy – thank you so much for this comment, always love hearing your encouraging, wise words. And so encouraged you resonate so much. Thanks for the prayers, and lifting prayers up for you on your journey. Thanks Joy!
I really appreciated hearing more of your faith journey, James! Something that really struck me in one of the earlier chapters of Sarah’s book, was about how in the spiritual development phases people go through (from being completely literal and accepting everything, to questioning, to wandering, to returning with a richer perspective) most churches are actually geared towards keeping people in the “just accept everything and don’t question” rut. Which is really counter productive to turning people into fully alive, devoted followers of Christ (which I think most of those churches would say they want!). I think at this moment I’m in a “wanting to return with a richer perspective, but can’t find a community” stage. I’m so thankful for books and online communities where we can connect with others who are questioning and growing, since many traditional churches are not making space for that growth! Thanks for sharing and inviting others to share with you!
Thanks so much for this kind comment Steph, and so glad you appreciated hearing my story. I totally agree with you on the stages we go through…and I see some parallels with spiral dynamics, that theory of consciousness I briefly spoke of. I’ll be sharing more about that in my podcast in the coming months. Thanks again for the encouragement – appreciate it!
Thank you for sharing part of your journey. I love the conversation this book has started (or is continued a better word). It can be scary to embrace so much mystery in our faith journey. But now that I have, I love a God so big that I can’t possibly figure Him out.
Thanks Traci – I know, I love all the stories this book is starting, it’s meeting many of us who thought we were alone, and showing us we aren’t. Thanks so much 🙂
This was so good, James! I read it when you first posted it but forgot to post a comment!!
Thanks Brandy – so grateful for your comment! 🙂
James, thank you for sharing. So many testimonies I’m reading today of God resurrecting faith from broken places. It’s encouraging to know we aren’t alone on these journeys, not the only ones whose faith is being shaken.
Lisa, thank you. Yes, so many posts I’ve read today seem to have similar jumping off points, people struggling but finding hope in the midst of it. So good to know we’re not alone.
Love this post James! I am so glad for your words and all of these amazing evolving faith stories!
Thanks so much Julie-Anne – so encouraging. Totally agree, loving hearing so many amazing stories, and how not alone we are.
James, I came over from Sarah’s synchroblog because of the title of your post regarding the loss of your Mum. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your heart here. This was a game changer for me, too, a little over a year ago, not wanting to take the baton from my Mom, but thinking I could keep her alive here as long as I didn’t take up my calling. Hard lessons. We are not alone.
Absolutely Adrienne – so great to connect with you and so glad the post resonated. Appreciate your condolences and encouragement too.
Love your eloquent voice and self disclosure! AND your powerful faith journey!
Thanks so much for this encouragement Nancy!
Enjoyed reading more about your own journey, James. So glad you no longer feel alone in your questions and thoughts. Feeling alone is it’s own special form of hell, I reckon. Blessings.
Thanks Lisa, appreciate you taking the time to read.
Thank you, James! Your story gives me so much hope! I haven’t read “Velvet Elvis,” but now I really want to. I’ve gotten much more comfortable being very honest about being in process, in transition, in doubt, but so many people aren’t so comfortable, either with voicing similar thoughts, or hearing others do so. For so long my “spiritual journey” has felt stalled, on the back-burner, but I do desire to engage in more outside-of-the-box spiritual exploration in the days ahead. Grace and peace to you, so glad to have connected through Sarah’s book in recent weeks. 🙂
Thanks Lizzie – so glad it was encouraging, and was great to connect through Sarah’s book.
My father died recently, and while it hasn’t necessarily crumbled my faith (so far), it has definitely been a catalyst to look closer into it/the life faith leads me to live and to talk more openly about it. I’m not sure where it will lead, but yes, there is something in the traumas that brings us back to or leads us away from or just mires us in the messy parts of believing.
So so sorry to hear about your father Megan, sending lots of love, prayers and deepest condolences. So glad it’s been a catalyst for opening yourself up to a deeper faith. Thanks for sharing so courageously.
Thank you for this beautiful, honest post. I too found that after deep loss I needed a different side of God than I experienced up until then. I found who you have described-someone comfortable with questioning and doubts, who meets me in my mess. I love hearing that you find the Lord in all things, as this is becoming my experience more and more. I find him in the food I eat, the sunset I witness, learning about emotions, just as much as Scripture and prayer. Thank you so much for writing.
Thanks for sharing so honestly Alison, I appreciate that. And so grateful for the encouragement too.
I love it, James. I’m grateful to have gotten to know you through the launch team, and to have seen your genuineness, vulnerability, and passion.
Thank you so much Jessica, that’s so encouraging to hear. Great to get to know you too.
“I used to believe in a God of certainty. Now I believe in a God of mystery.” ( I LOVE THIS)
Thanks Megan!
Powerful and good, James! Rob Bell was such a catalyst for so many of us – giving us language for what the Spirit was already brewing in our hearts. Thank you for this.
Thanks Sarah – totally agree about Rob Bell. Appreciate your support and encouragement. Have a wonderful Christmas.
Welcome Sarah – was so great to help promote your book, and have you on the podcast. Thanks for inspiring us all.