Surrendering The Final Word
December 7, 2015
I can screw up. A lot. I’ve said and done things I’m not proud of. I’ve got regrets. And I’ve had to hear and reflect on some harsh truths in my time.It’s so easy for me, as a writer who tries to be honest, and who writes material to encourage and help others grow, to give the impression you have all the answers.
But many of us, whether we’re writers or not, love to the have the final word. And we’ll keep on responding in discussions – online and offline – just to make sure we do.
Which, as we all know deep down, is not a healthy approach to life.
Experience has convinced me there’s a better way. Surrender.
Wanting the final word is not unusual. It’s a normal human temptation. Everyone likes to be right. And many of us like to have the last word. I’m definitely guilty of that. And it’s got me into all sorts of messes, all because I’ve not simply been able to let something go. Because someone has commented or responded in some way, and instead of leaving it, and allowing them to say what they they think, I reply.
Because I want them to understand. Because I don’t want to be misunderstood or misinterpreted.
And again, that’s a natural human response. None of us want to be misunderstood, and we want people to grasp our actual perspective, not what they believe our perspective is.
But although those are legitimate reasons, in truth, it’s unhealthy to respond to everyone. In fact it’s something we should avoid.
Brene Brown has spoken in various places of having a group of people who we give permission to tell us the truth. If we’re being an ass, or we’re being way too down on ourselves. If we succeed or fail. They will stand by us, they will love us. Because real love isn’t saying what people want to hear, it’s saying what they need to hear. And that only works with people who know us well, who we trust, and we’ve given permission to.
Any voices of criticism from anyone outside this group, don’t matter.
I’ve been on the end of negative voices several times – in fact, I’m pretty sure most of us have. Several times, I’ve allowed myself to be sucked into big discussions, trying to have the last word. And it often ended badly.
The toughest thing for me, being a people pleaser who likes to have the last word, is stepping back and not responding.
But in truth, if someone replies or reacts to something we say, we don’t have to respond. (you can tweet that)
Even if what they say gives a false impression of us. Even if we disagree with them. Even if inside, we feel we “have” to respond – we actually don’t. And in the long run, it will be much healthier all around if we don’t.
I’ve reacted in the past, and allowed myself to get wound up, anxious, stressed and having a “discussion” when you’re overwhelmed by these thoughts and emotions, isn’t a healthy thing to do. All it does is cause pain and bring regrets, often on both sides. And you can end up being the worst version of yourself, or getting unnecessarily hurt. I’ve seen this in myself, and it’s not healthy. It’s not nice. And I don’t need it – and neither do any of us.
If there is valuable, necessary criticism, then – and this is actually Biblical – it should be done one to one, privately. Not publicly, not on a blog comment or social media platform where all can see. If someone has that much of an issue with something I say, then private message me, e-mail me. Don’t do it publicly.
Don’t Give Critics Power
So, here’s the bottom line:
1) We don’t need to have the final word.
2) We aren’t obligated to listen to every single voice.
And that’s not arrogant or inward looking, it’s taking care of your heart. Our hearts are vulnerable, precious things, and need protecting.
Have your group of people, to keep you grounded, to be accountable, to offer encouragement, to tell you what you need to hear. I am lucky enough to have a group like this – you probably already have people in your life who will do this, or maybe already do this. Write those names d
own, and remember them.
own, and remember them.The other voices aren’t necessary.
All you are doing by responding to all the critics, is giving them power over you. Power they don’t deserve, they shouldn’t possess, and which will only stifle your growth.
Don’t give them power. Don’t respond.
If others say encouraging, wise, supportive words, take those on board, and thank them.
But if the voices are just negative, there’s no need to respond.
Ultimately, those people aren’t interested in you. And whilst they have a right to an opinion and to express it, you don’t have to reply to them all.
Instead, choose to surrender the right to respond. Choose to be healthy.
If we’re to be the people we’re created to be, and serve others effectively, we can’t allow ourselves to get held back. We can’t allow ourselves to be damaged by people who actually aren’t that concerned with us, and don’t know us well enough to speak criticism with authority.
I want to choose a different path.
Are you with me?
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Question for Reflection:
Do you give too many people power over your life?
Let me know in the comments below!
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(Picture Sources: WordPress / CleerCherry.com)
Yes, James, I would say this post resonates with most people – most of us are people pleasers because we want to be liked, it’s only human, but sometimes pleasing people results in hurt. Not everyone wants the best for us, nor do we know their hearts especially if they’re strangers on social media. My own blog post this week is a little bit like yours, and I’ve been thinking lately also of truth and how rare it is to hear.
Thanks for your kind comment Kenna and for the encouragement. I think this message is something we need to hear as often as possible, so the more people write about it the better!
Authors need to read this post, James. I have seen so many go out of there way to respond to negative reviews. When really, if that is the opinion of someone else, can you really say something to make them change their minds?
Thanks for your kind words Lisa – I hope this post is useful to everyone, but especially authors, because I think we need to hear this message. It’s good to hear it’s helping.
Interestingly, my post today is about a connected idea. You’re right, you don’t have to respond to everyone you disagree with. There are enough internet trolls. When you let go of useless arguments, you can move forward.
That’s fascinating Scott – bizarre coincidence. Totally agree with your points here, we just need to let go sometimes.
I love how you provide something to tweet in your post! I have never seen that before. I totally tweeted it out. 🙂
Thanks Jessica – I try to do that with each post. Thanks for reading & sharing!
I think the hardest thing for an author is to disregard the trolls who post snarky one-star reviews about our books. I get so angry when someone has obviously not read the book through to the end and still finds the time to leave a bad review. A couple of times I commented but deleted the comment later. It does no good. Those trolls don’t care, since they scored a response. When it happens I read all the good reviews once again and calm myself down. We spend months or years working on our precious stories and that reviewer spent five minutes (and usually has bad grammar) to rip it to shreds. I’m developing a thicker skin with loads of wrinkles. I suggest writing down everything you want to say and then trashing the document. If makes one feel so much better.
Absolutely agree Diane – sometimes it’s good to just get it out, and never show anyone. We definitely need a thicker skin!
People LOVE getting the final word because I think they feel like that is the only way they can be heard. That their final lingering comment is what hangs in the air. What they don’t realize is their last words are usually not constructive but simply a nasty comment or justification of WHY they did what they did, versus a real instructive comment on the situation.
A good way to handle a critic who is dissing you or your work – ignore them, let them have the “last word” but if it is a real critique, not just a flame of jealousy or anger, analyze what has said, evaluate to see if it has value, correct if possible, if not, correct for future use, and move forward. In a quiet way, you’ve gained the last word.
Since I don’t blog as much as you do, I seldom get trolls who leave negative comments. However, the one star reviews on my fiction novels sometimes get my dander up, especially when they don’t even read the full book. I guess the best way to ignore them is to get lots of reviews and then they seem like odd ducks. I find that writing a scathing reply is lots of fun but I make sure to trash it rather than post the reply and start a real war. Writers either develop a thick skin or blinders, it’s up to you which is better.
This is one of the most important lessons we all have to learn, and one of the hardest to remember. Thanks, James.
This is very true in marriage.
Good stuff as always James. It’s hard to walk away sometimes though isn’t it? Also good to see your post on #BloggerClubUK!
Ooooh -I it’s so hard to resist sometimes, especially if someone is being a complete and utter MORON. You’re right of course, best to rise above it as a lot of the time all they want is to get a response from you. Takes a lot of self-restraint though if you feel you are being personally attacked but I hate confrontation so I’d probably choose to walk away more for that reason. This week I blogged about body shamers and the Eleanor Roosevelt quote that I mentioned seems quite apt in relation to your point on ignoring the haters: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. BloggerClubUK
Very thought provoking! I actually don’t mid getting comments on my blog that have a different point of view to me, I think it keeps it interesting, and as long as it’s done in a civil manner, I like a good discussion. If it’s someone who’s trolling, I try to ignore them but I have been known to have last worditis if the troll is particularly annoying!
Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
Debbie